THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE IN COMEDY: 250 ANECDOTES
By David Bruce
SMASHWORDS EDITION
Copyright 2010 by Bruce D. Bruce
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Cover Photograph
Photographer: Lana Langlois
Agency: Dreamstime.com
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The Funniest People in Comedy
Actors
• While studying theater at UCLA, Carol Burnett took a course in acting, where she prepared to recite a speech in front of her class. Unfortunately, she didn’t recite it very well. For one thing, she didn’t bother to read the rest of the play to find out the context of the speech. In addition, she spoke the speech in a low monotone while pantomiming a waitress wiping a table. Her classmates didn’t understand the speech and thought that she was pantomiming ironing a shirt. Carol’s grade? D minus. Fortunately, a short time afterward, she was given some funny words to say. Her classmates laughed, Carol stuck to funny roles, and she earned an A-minus in the course.
• On The Dick Van Dyke Show, Dick’s younger brother, Jerry, made a few memorable appearances as Stacie Petrie. One pair of episodes about Stacie’s sleepwalking had their genesis in real life. Dick Van Dyke says about Jerry, “As a kid, he was a somnambulist—the world’s champion sleepwalker. He could get up, walk, and talk to you, and you’d never know he was asleep.” After Jerry was cast for his guest appearance, series producer Carl Reiner asked Dick if his younger brother could act. Dick said yes. When Mr. Reiner asked him how he knew Jerry could act, Dick replied, “Because if he can’t, I’ll kill him.”
• Not everyone wants to act. During the 1970s and 1980s, a wild and crazy comedian named Ron Sweed, aka the Ghoul, hosted several mostly bad movies on a television program airing in Cleveland, Ohio. Frequently, in between segments of the movie he was showing, he did short episodes of “Spencer and Mongolia,” a parody of a sitcom. Several women played Mongolia over the years—one woman quit because she regarded filming the episodes as a waste of her lunch hour.
Ad-libs
• Jackie Gleason’s TV series The Honeymooners was shown live, and mistakes did happen. In one episode, Mr. Gleason, famous for the character Ralph Kramden, missed his entrance. Art Carney, who played sewer worker Ed Norton, simply went to the Kramdens’ icebox, took out an orange, and began peeling it until Ralph Kramden arrived. Whenever you see Jackie Gleason patting his stomach on the show, it’s a sign to the cast that they’re in trouble, and somebody better think of something to say or do to get them out of the jam. Audrey Meadows, in her character of Alice, Ralph’s wife, once snarled, “If you get any bigger, Gasbag, you’ll float away.” The line was an ad-lib, rendered necessary by circumstances.
• Henry Morgan was hired to do a radio program in Canada consisting of ad-libs. However, very quickly, the producer of the show complained that Mr. Morgan was cheating him because the show had no structure—no beginning, middle, or end. So on the next show, Mr. Morgan paused to point out to the audience the beginning of the show, then later he paused to point out the middle of the show, then finally he told the audience, “This is the end—I quit.”
• Much of Jack Benny’s humor came from his writers, but at least once he got off a funny ad-lib. During a radio show with Fred Allen—who was funny with or without writers—Mr. Allen kept peppering Mr. Benny with comic ad-lib insults. Finally, Mr. Benny protested, “You wouldn’t say those things if my writers were here!”
• Vaudeville comedian Ted Healy once came on stage just after a bear act left. The smallest bear left a dropping as it exited, and the amused audience members called for the return of the bear act. Mr. Healy looked at the dropping, then he told the audience, “If that’s the kind of crap you want, I’ll do it myself.” The audience laughed.
• British stand-up comedian Marti Caine once performed her act in front of a group of drunken rugby players immediately after some strippers had performed. A rugby player saw that Ms. Caine was not taking off her clothes, so he yelled, “We want tits!” Ms. Caine replied, “You’d look bright with tits.”
• Having dined well at the Trocadero, Robert Benchley strode to the door and asked the doorman to call him a taxi. However, the “doorman” said, “I’m very sorry. I happen to be a rear admiral in the United States Navy.” Mr. Benchley replied, “All right, then. Get us a battleship.”
• Comedian Beatrice Lillie was dining at a restaurant when a busboy dropped several dishes onto the floor. He started to pick up the pieces, but Ms. Lillie yelled, “Wait for the laugh!” The busboy—and Ms. Lillie—got a laugh.
• While comedian Jebb Fink was performing live, his microphone suddenly sagged in its holder. Mr. Fink got a laugh by ad-libbing, “Oh, the story of my life. It’s always going limp when I need it most.”
• Wilson Mizner often complained about the apartment where he lived. When his friend, Jim Tully, asked him why he didn’t move, he replied, “I can never find my other shoe.”
Advertising
• George Burns and Gracie Allen were quite successful at publicity stunts. In 1940, Gracie Allen ran for President on The Surprise Party ticket. She didn’t have a candidate for Vice President because she didn’t want vice in her administration. During her candidacy, Gracie launched a whistle-stop campaign that ran from Los Angeles, California, to Omaha, Nebraska. Many people are familiar with Pat Paulsen’s runs for the Presidency, but Gracie was the first comedian to do this. This was George Burns and Gracie Allen’s most successful publicity stunt.
• To advertise its Razzles candy, Mars Candy decided to use a Cleveland, Ohio, show in which comedian Ron Sweed, aka The Ghoul, hosted several mostly bad horror movies. The Ghoul criticized the candy for weeks, and the more he criticized it, the more its sales went up. In gratitude, Mars Candy delivered a case of Razzles to The Ghoul. The case of candy remained on the set of The Ghoul’s show for years—unopened.
• Mark Twain understood small print and advertising. One of his advertisements for a lecture tour consisted of the huge words “MAGNIFICENT FIREWORKS” followed by the small print “were in contemplation for this occasion, but the idea has been abandoned.” Another of his advertisements read, “The doors open at 7; the trouble begins at 8.”
• Peter Cook and Dudley Moore made the film Bedazzled (1967), in which the voluptuous Raquel Welch played the sexy role of Miss Lillian Lust. At first, Mr. Cook and Mr. Moore wanted to name the film Raquel Welch, so that they could enjoy theater marquees blazing forth the legend, “Peter Cook and Dudley Moore in Raquel Welch.”
• While working for the Ringling Brothers, comedian Bobby Clark carried a lot of luggage, although many circus performers travel light. When management complained about his excess luggage, Mr. Clark said that he was entitled to it because the circus was advertising him as “bigger and better.”
• W.C. Fields wrote the screenplays of many of the movies he appeared in, using such pseudonyms as Mahatma Kane Jeeves or Otis Cribblecoblis. He gave one of his movies the title Never Give a Sucker an Even Break, hoping that movie marquees would advertise it as “W.C. Fields—Sucker.”
Alcohol
• Vaudeville comedian Jim Thornton was an alcoholic. Once, he went on an alcoholic spree with another vaudeville comedian, George C. Davis. Although both men were alcoholics, they were different kinds of alcoholics. Mr. Thornton could stay drunk for weeks, but still keep himself shaved and clean. Mr. Davis, however, let himself go to seed. The two had drunk up all their money, and they needed more money to buy themselves alcohol, so Mr. Thornton asked to borrow $2 from a vaudevillian they met on the street. The vaudevillian refused to lend them anything, so the clean Mr. Thornton turned to the filthy Mr. Davis and said, “George, throw a louse on him.”
• Jimmy Durante wanted to confess his sins, so he called Father Bob Perella to come to his apartment, which as usual was filled with Jimmy’s friends. When the priest arrived, Jimmy’s friend, Fatso Marco, asked the priest what he wanted to drink, then Father Bob and Jimmy went into the bedroom so Jimmy could confess his sins. A few minutes later, the door opened and Fatso brought the priest a drink. Jimmy hollered, “What are you doing? Can’t you see I’m making my confession?” Fatso replied, “Just because you got problems, the priest has to go dry?”
• Grantland Rice and humor writer Ring Lardner once shared a hotel suite in Chicago. Mr. Rice was writing articles each day, so he had to work pretty hard. However, Mr. Lardner was writing a weekly column, so he was able to take it easy. For much of the week, Mr. Lardner sat in the hotel suite, drinking and staring at a print on the hotel wall—the print showed a horse-riding competition: the Grand National. At the end of the week, while they were leaving the suite, Mr. Lardner turned to Mr. Rice and said, “Granny, the jock on the second horse isn’t even trying.”
• Who drummer Keith Moon was one of Monty Python member Graham Chapman’s drinking buddies, but he was not always a good friend. Once, Mr. Chapman needed money. As the two were walking, they saw a dustbin filled with garbage. Keith took approximately £2,000 out of his pocket, stuffed it in the bottom of the dustbin, and forced Mr. Chapman to dig through the garbage to get the money.
• When lesbian comedian Judy Carter came out to her mother, she made the mistake of getting drunk first. This meant that she kept stammering and couldn’t find the words to tell her mother that she was gay. After hearing a lot of stammering, her mother asked, “Judy, is it you want to tell me you’re gay?”
• Deanne Stillman, writer and coeditor of Titters: The First Collection of Humor by Women, was once asked where she thought she would be in five years. She replied, “Out to get a beer.”
Animals
• At Cornell, practical joker Hugh Troy pulled a notable stunt with the aid of an accomplice. One morning, after a light snow had fallen on the greens of Cornell, Hugh and a friend took a wastepaper basket that had been made out of the foot of a rhinoceros and tied it to the middle of a clothesline so that they were able to lift the foot, then drop it to make a footprint without leaving their own footprints nearby to reveal the practical joke. The next morning, the footprints were discovered, and the zoology professors of the university identified them as belonging to a rhinoceros. The professors followed the footprints to a lake. The footprints continued on the ice of the lake, but disappeared where a gaping hole was in the ice.
• Bob Denver once appeared in a comic Western. In one scene, several very loud blanks were to be fired from a gun held very close to a horse’s head. Mr. Denver was worried that the horse would rear up at the noise, but the horse didn’t move a muscle. After the scene was over, Mr. Denver asked the wrangler how he had managed to keep the horse so calm. The wrangler motioned to the horse, then said, “Stone deaf.”
• In one of Olsen and Johnson’s stage successes, Harold Ogden (Chic) Johnson walked on stage carrying a gun (loaded with blanks, of course) which he shot at the roof, after which a chicken fell to the stage and John Sigvard (Ole) Olsen told the audience, “It’s a good thing that cows don’t fly.” Mr. Johnson then shot into the rafters again, and this time a cow fell to the stage.
• Of course, the real star of the television sitcom Mr. Ed was Mr. Ed, the horse—not Alan Young, who played Wilbur Post. Because of this, Mr. Young had to do his best in every shot—if the horse was perfect in doing what he was supposed to do, that was the shot that was used. Mr. Young also says that when the horse was tired, that was the end of shooting for the day.
• The family of Quaker humorist Tom Mullen adopted a stray dog, which they named Terry. Terry was so well fed that she was overweight, and because she was overweight, her legs bowed. In addition, her tail wagged so much that one of the Mullen children called her “a story with a happy ending.”
• Although many people don’t realize it, much wildlife lives in New York City. Comedian (and birder) Bob Smith was watching a motionless Great Blue Heron in a Central Park lily pond when an astonished tourist asked him, “Is it real?”
• While working at WING radio in Dayton, Ohio, comedian Jonathan Winters brought a horse in to be his surprise guest, even though he had to bring it up three flights of stairs.
Audiences
• Harry Houdini used to perform his famous needles-and-thread illusion, during which he seemed to swallow first thread, then sewing needles. After allowing a member of the audience to look into his mouth and verify that no thread and needles were there, Houdini would pull the thread from his mouth, showing the audience that all the needles had been strung on the thread, supposedly while they were in his stomach. During one performance, Groucho Marx was in the audience. When Houdini asked for a volunteer from the audience, Groucho stepped forward and peered into Houdini’s mouth. After Houdini asked Groucho what he saw there, Groucho replied, “Gum disease.”
• On a horribly cold night in Cleveland, stand-up comedian Judy Carter came out to perform in front of an audience of only two people. She ended up sitting at their table and telling a few jokes. After the “show” was over, the couple invited her to their home for breakfast. She accepted.
• Weird comedian Andy Kaufman once came out on stage and started singing “100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.” The audience hated it, but when Mr. Kaufman left the stage after getting down to “2 Bottles of Beer,” the audience wanted him to finish the song.
• Much of Richard Lewis’s comedy is about the pain of being alive. One day, some UCLA students—the image of health and happiness—recognized him when he was in his car and shouted to him, “We’re in pain, too.”
Bombing
• Very early in her career as a stand-up comedian, Carol Siskind bombed horribly in a club in which her brother was a member of the audience. She refused to let him not see her succeed, so she dragged him to another club, where she also bombed. Still refusing to let him go home, she dragged her brother to yet another club, where finally, at 2 a.m., she had a good set. Only after her brother had finally seen her succeed would she let him go home.
• Very early in her career, Phyllis Diller did what all beginning comedians do—bomb. To get into show business, she called the Red Cross and volunteered her services as a comedian. They sent her to a veterans’ hospital, where she performed in front of four guys who yelled at her, “Leave us alone—we’re already in pain.”
• The very dignified Greer Garson guested on Jimmy Durante’s program. She didn’t know anything about comedy and asked Mr. Durante what would happen if the show wasn’t funny. Mr. Durante replied, “Then, Miss Garson, we’re all gonna be in the toilet together.”
Children
• As a little girl, Sandra Bernhard used to enjoy putting a layer of Elmer’s glue on the palm of her hand, letting it dry, then peeling it off—for one thing, the glue had a very nice smell. One day, her father saw her with the glue, and he asked, “Are you sniffing that glue? Well, I sure hope you never sniff airplane glue.” Young Sandra responded, “No, I never would—it can give you brain damage!” This conversation made young Sandra start thinking, and that night, she tried to remember the lyrics of songs from Broadway musicals that she often sang around the house. After a few hours of self-torture, she went to her parents’ bedroom and told them that she had brain damage.
• Eddie Cantor was a very popular comedian in early 20th-century America. Being in show business often requires frequent and prolonged absences from home, and after Mr. Cantor had been on an extended tour, he came home late one night and the next morning relaxed in his living room, reading the morning newspaper while waiting for breakfast. His four-year-old daughter came into the living room, saw him, then shouted for her mother, “Mama, mama, come here quick—that man is here again.”
• As a child, comedian Cathy Ladman listened over and over to the comedy album Nichols and May Examine Doctors, memorizing it, even though she didn’t understand all of the album. In fact, after she said her prayers, she would recite part of the album to her mother, who responded by saying, “That’s nice, dear”—but who, Ms. Ladman says, must have searched her Doctor Spock book to find out if this kind of behavior in a child was deviant.
• Comedian Jerry Lewis got his first laugh the first time he stepped on stage. When he was a kid, his father, a singer in vaudeville, allowed Jerry to sing, “Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?” At the end of the song, the audience began to applaud. As Jerry was making a bow, his foot slipped and hit a footlight, which exploded, causing the audience to laugh. Jerry decided that he liked the laughter, and so he became a comedian.
• Because of his white hair and large moustache, Mark Twain resembled Melville Fuller, the Chief Justice of the United States. While Mr. Twain was visiting Washington D.C., a little girl saw him, mistook him for Mr. Fuller, and asked, “Mr. Chief Justice Fuller, won’t you write something for me in my autograph book?” Mr. Twain agreed, wrote, “It’s glorious to be full but it’s heavenly to be Fuller,” then signed his own name.
• When she was growing up, comedian Margaret Cho worked in her parents’ bookstore, which was located in an area heavily populated by gay men. At first, she was scared of them because they dressed in leather and looked tough, even though the worst thing that happened was one of them smiled at her and told her, “I like your purse.” As soon as she was old enough to realize that they were gay, she felt safe.
• Groucho Marx’s son, Arthur, wanted a BB gun when he was 10 years old. However, Groucho didn’t want to get him one, because of the danger, so he said, “As long as I’m the head of the house, you’re not going to get a gun!” Arthur replied, “Dad, if I get a gun, you won’t be the head of the house!”
• When he was a child, Eddie Cantor served as a waiter to the camp directors of Surprise Lake Camp. He was a very efficient waiter—he never waited for the directors to finish their desserts, but would snatch them away half-eaten so he could finish eating them in the kitchen.
• When comedian Sandra Bernhard was a little girl, she decided to see if she could sleep an entire night with a wad of chewing gum in her mouth. Of course, when young Sandra woke up, her mother had to use scissors to cut the gum out of her hair.
• Comedian Tracey Ullman got her first job, helping out at a local bakery, when she was 14. Unfortunately, she didn’t last long at the job—whenever she had to put cream cakes into bags, she insisted on licking the excess icing off her fingers.
• As a youngster, comedian Richard Pryor used to perform in school talent shows. His talent for making people laugh made itself known early, and the school auditorium was packed with kids waiting for young Richard to rehearse.
• Comedian Beatrice Lillie once wore a $10,000 diamond ring. Child actor Brandon De Wilde looked at it and was properly impressed, saying, “Gosh, I bet that cost $100.”
• Jack Benny used to pretend that his car wouldn’t start without a kiss. Of course, after his little daughter gave him a kiss, the car started right up.
Christmas
• Lou Costello of Abbott and Costello fame really got into Christmas, setting up an elaborate Christmas display each year with angels, music, reindeer, and many hundreds of Christmas lights. Comedian George Gobel lived across the street from Mr. Costello. Mr. Gobel did nothing for Christmas except to put up a sign that said, “See our display across the street.”
Clothing
• Some stand-up comedians pay too much attention to what they wear. Comedian Jay Sankey met a comedian who tried to dress in a way that supported his on-stage character (an excellent idea), but who then asked Mr. Sankey what the audience would think of his shoes. Mr. Sankey replied, “If they notice your shoes, you aren’t funny.”
• Suzanne Rand of the improvisational team Monteith and Rand had a grandmother who bought her incredibly sexy underwear. One day she wore some of the underwear to bed, and when she got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, she looked down and noticed that her crotch was glowing.
• Groucho Marx owned a photograph of a young Harpo Marx. In it, Harpo is wearing mittens and holding a gentleman’s leather glove in his hands. Why? According to Groucho, “Harpo heard early in life that a gentleman never appears in public without holding a glove.”
• When Carol Burnett was growing up, she lived with her grandmother in a small apartment—so small that young Carol hung her clothes in the shower. For years, whenever Carol put on her clothing, it was slightly damp.
• Beatrice Lillie once dressed in a long formal gown and gave a serious recitation in front of Ethel Barrymore—before lifting her skirt and roller-skating off the stage.
Competition
• Vaudeville comedians often tried to steal laughs from each other. One day, when W.C. Fields was doing his famous pool game routine on stage, Ed Wynn sneaked under the table and began mugging to get laughs. Mr. Fields continued with his act and waited until Mr. Wynn stuck his head out from under the pool table, then swung the cue stick and hit Mr. Wynn hard. The audience thought it was part of the act and howled every time Mr. Wynn moaned. After this incident, Mr. Wynn stopped sneaking under Mr. Fields’s pool table.
• Early in Bob Newhart’s career, after he had become the hottest comedian in show business, he used to watch the comedians on The Ed Sullivan Show to size up the competition. Week after week, he watched the comedians and said, “Well, fella, you’re OK, but not socko. We know who’s still number one.” But after watching a young comedian named Bill Cosby on Ed Sullivan, Mr. Newhart said, “Good luck, kid. Take it and run with it awhile.”
Contracts
• When comedian/singer Fanny Brice was given a contract by the great theatrical producer Florenz “Flo” Ziegfeld, she wore it out by constantly showing it to her family, friends, acquaintances, and total strangers. Mr. Ziegfeld gave her a new copy of the contract, but when she wore that one out, too, he declined to give her any more written contracts. Ms. Brice kept on working for Mr. Ziegfeld for several years, but their contracts were all verbal, not written.
• Comedian George Burns recognized Jack Haley’s talent—Mr. Haley played the Tin Woodsman in The Wizard of Oz—and kept introducing him to a producer who ignored him. After Mr. Haley made it big in show business, the producer came up to Mr. Burns and said, “Why didn’t you tell me you knew such a talented guy? I could have put him on contract years ago!”
Costumes
• Benny Hill’s relationship with the beautiful women who appeared on his show was professional, although he did form friendships with some of the women—and their husbands. He also listened to their complaints when they had any. For example, one day the actresses on his TV show complained about a costume design that had only a couple of inches of material across the crotch. Colleague Bob Todd told Mr. Hill of the complaints about the costumes, and Mr. Hill—without even looking at the costumes—ordered the wardrobe mistress to change them. According to Mr. Todd, “He was like a Dutch uncle to those girls.”
• Famous vaudeville comedian Bobby Clark was seldom recognized unless he was wearing his trademark spectacles—which weren’t real spectacles, but were merely drawn onto his face. Even his barber, who had been cutting his hair for years, didn’t recognize him. One day, his barber told him that he had seen a comedian with the same name as Mr. Clark on a vaudeville stage and he wondered where the comedian had thought up the crazy things he did. Mr. Clark replied that he had often wondered the same thing.
• In Hollywood, a costumer brought Terry-Thomas his articles of clothing for a scene, dumped them on the floor and said, “These should fit you. I’ve seen you on TV.” Terry-Thomas, known for dressing immaculately, was shocked. “Oh,” he said, “so this the way you measure, by looking at people on the TV.” He pointed to the shoes. “I told you I needed a size 11. Without trying those on, I can tell you they’re a size 8.” The costumer replied, “Don’t worry. I’ll give them a shine.”
Death
• Harpo Marx had a very poor education, but the geniuses of the Algonquin Round Table liked him because he was good at games such as croquet. However, he was not so good at the murder game that was sometimes played at critic Alexander Woollcott’s house. In the game, a “murderer” would approach the “victim” and give him or her a written message saying that he or she was dead. The victim was supposed to lie down until discovered, and then Woollcott’s guests would use their detective skills to discover the murderer. Once, Harpo was the murderer, but the guests realized that immediately because Harpo’s written message to his victim was, “You are ded.”