I Am Completely Led
A Life Journey of Submission to God
C. ANGELA
Published by St. Paul Press at Smashwords
Copyright 2010 C. ANGELA
ISBN 978-1-4524-4340-9
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
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The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they
comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
—Psalm 23 (KJV)
Acknowledgements
First, I would like to give all honor and praise to God for teaching me how to submit my life completely to Him and for His Spirit which impressed me to write this book in four days. Without some tough experiences, I would not have learned to let God direct my life. The peace that I now experience in the midst of life’s storms passes all understanding.
I would also like to thank my family, especially my dear mother, for being my encourager and editor throughout this process. I think one of her special gifts is being an exceptional mother. She is also one of the most brilliant persons I know. Mom, I love you so much and I am proud to be your daughter.
I want to express my deepest appreciation to my dear friend, Marion Waugh. You have been with me through my ups and downs in my life experiences for the last twenty years. You are one of my greatest supporters. You are a strong and Godly woman who is more like my sister. I love you very much.
Dr. Joy Alexander, you are my soul sister. You are my cheering section. You always believe that I can scale mountains and tread waters. You are there for me when I need you. You are a great friend and I thank you for our fifteen years of friendship. I love you very much.
Contents
Foreword
1. Heartbreak
2. Looking Through a Dark Glass
3. Prayer Partner
4. Remembering Who I Am – Part One
5. Remembering Who I Am – Part Two
6. Joblessness
7. Cancer Scare
8. Fork in the Road
9. Across the Seas
10. Computer Glitch
11. Complete Surrender
12. An ‘On Time’ God
13. Vindication
14. My New Home
15. Heaven’s Downloads
16. Ever After?
17. My Final Thoughts
18. The Rose
Foreword
Life is not all about the pursuit of our own happiness; a momentary feeling of elation. We are to pursue God with abandon. The byproduct of this pursuit is immeasurable joy, peace, love and so much more. He wants to lead us into still waters and green pastures, but sometimes we must first pass through the valley of the shadow of death in order to get there.
God speaks to me through strong impressions, life experiences, prayer, dreams, heavenly downloads, Christ-centered people, Christian music and nature. God also speaks to me through inspired spiritual books. But the most consistent way in which God speaks to me is through His Holy Word. Much of my spiritual strength, problem solving and peace have come from the Holy Bible as I read it daily.
Before I read God’s Word, I open my heart and surrender my mind completely to Him so that He will lead me into His truth. If I open the Bible with confidence in my own abilities to discover its rich meaning, the process is a waste of time. God is the best Person to teach me about Himself. Therefore, I humble myself before the Omnipotent God Who directs my mind accordingly.
Three of my favorite books that I have read again and again are: Bob Sorge’s Secrets of the Secret Place, Roger Morneau’s The Incredible Power of Prayer and L. B. Cowman’s Streams in the Desert. They all have impacted my spiritual life in ways that I cannot express. I am eternally grateful for the persons on my journey who have introduced me to these books in my continuous pursuit of God.
God is Truth. He is Omnipotent, Omnipresent, and Omniscient. I trust God, whom the Heavens can’t contain, to lead me in the way that I should go, knowing full well that He will not keep anything back from me that is for my good. Therefore, I am at peace with the fact that I am completely led by Him.
This is a true story about my life. However, to protect the privacy of some individuals, I have changed their names.
CHAPTER I
Heartbreak
Imagine that you and I are sitting on a warm and comfortable couch one early evening on a cold and snowy winter day. We are sipping some hot peppermint tea from old fashioned mugs and speaking from the heart. We are in a quiet room looking down on snow covered cars and our neighbors. They are frantically shoveling their driveways to avoid the big freeze which comes from snow remaining on the ground for too long after the temperature has fallen. I wonder if you would ask, “Christine, who are you?” I suspect that I would be surprised by your question and yet delighted to share my innermost thoughts with my very close friend. To begin answering this most probing question, I would need time to feel comfortable enough to answer it. It’s not that I wouldn’t want to share myself with you; it’s just that I need the conversation to flow in a way that invites me to be self revelatory.
Only a friend would know that if she is patient with me, I am willing to share almost anything in my heart. Indeed, good things come to those who wait.
At that point, I’d begin by saying, “I am a combination of all my life’s experiences both good and bad.” I would make that vague statement to test the waters to see if you really have an interest in what I have to say. I may continue on and say, “I am not defined by my experiences necessarily, but they have helped to shape who I am.” After a few more exchanges in our conversation, I would state that God defines who I am. Getting to know Him and His will for me, in turn, enables me to know who I am. Well, you may wonder how I know this is true. That’s when I would snuggle up a little more under my warm blanket on the couch, take one more sip of my peppermint tea and invite you to accompany me on memory lane. I would begin by recounting the spiritually defined moments of the last several years of my life. I would start with a heartbreaking story. It begins with a phone call to my friend, Marion.
“I’m going to leave New York tomorrow. Can you or your husband come and pick me up at the airport?” I said as the hot tears rolled down my cheeks.
So, I went on, crying more and more, until Marion was satisfied that I was able to continue the conversation and handle her questions. My voice cracked and I sounded like someone who had more emotion than strength to express them.
“What airport are you flying into and what time are you coming in?” she said matter-of-factly.
“Around ten a.m. at Gainesville Regional Airport.”
“I’ll ask Bobby. I’m glad you finally decided to end the relationship. He is not for you.”
I burst into uncontrollable tears realizing that the decision to end my relationship with my fiancé would impact my life in a big way.
I waited for her to say I told you so. I waited for her to tell me how she wished I had come to this realization sooner; how clear all the signs had been. Gratefully, she never spoke a word to remind me of her warnings all along. She simply waited for me to speak as she patiently listened to every word I had to say.
“This is so hard, Marion. This is so painful.”
Marion talked with me for a while, and fearing that I may change my mind and falter in my resolution she called out to me.
“Christine! Christine! You’re doing the right thing! He’s not the man for you!”
My mind wandered for a few moments to an experience I had before coming to New York.
“I know, Marion. Remember the pastor at Ava’s hair salon?”
“I can’t forget her.”
“Remember when she asked me if I was dating someone and I told her that I was? She paused for a few seconds as if in deep thought and then she said the strangest thing to me.
She said, ‘When you leave this man, God will open door after door with many opportunities for you.’”
“Yes. I do remember that. You see, Christine, God has been speaking to you all along,” she said.
I paused for a moment or two to reflect on the conversation with the pastor. She was a striking woman—tall, stately and beautiful in spirit. I had been introduced to her at a hair salon. She asked me if there was anyone special in my life. I had just begun dating Harold long distance and was very excited about it. She did not respond to me right away but when she did, I was left speechless.
“Marion, even now I just find that to be so amazing. She didn’t say if I leave Harold, but when I leave Harold. That was another word from the Lord. You’re right. God had told me through His servant that Harold and I were not to be.”
“God was so clear to you,” she responded.
Even before I left Florida to come to New York, God gave me a dream. In that dream, I was about to be married to someone else. I didn’t recognize the man but he sure had a large family. There were so many of them. I saw Harold somewhere in the church. He was bent over, crying, and in a lot of pain because I left him and was moving on.
“Harold is not going to take this very well,” I declared.
“I remember you telling me that,” she said.
“Christine, you are doing what God told you to do.”
“That’s the only thing that gives me the strength to do this,” I replied.
“Marion?” I said.
“Yes.”
“If I don’t leave now…I may never leave. I was planning to marry Harold but…”
“I know. You’ll do what God wants you to do.”
It was a blistery cold January night when I packed my bags to leave New York. Never had bags been packed as quickly as they were that night. Since I was leaving without prior notice, I was concerned about whether or not I could get the deposit back from my apartment. I was determined and resolute, but yet, I did not trust myself to enter into conversation with Harold. I knew he would beg me to stay with him. He would tell me that he loved me and give me a million reasons why we belonged together. Feeling emotionally weak, I would have fallen for that. I mean, what woman doesn’t want to feel loved? But more important than my wants and needs is what God wants for me. Although I couldn’t understand it at the time, I trusted God to lead me where He wanted me to go and that He would guide me to quiet streams and green pastures.
“I will do whatever God wants me to do,” I quietly said.
Looking outside into the darkness of the early morning, I saw the yellow taxi cab pull into my driveway. I went outside to greet the driver who took my bags and placed them in the trunk. As I sat down, I stared blankly out the window into the blackness. I cried the entire journey to Kennedy Airport. I wondered what I would tell the people at my church. Everyone would have so many questions and I would be too hurt and embarrassed to answer them. They all knew that I went to New York to get married and now I was returning home unmarried. I had resigned from my job in full anticipation of this wonderful event. Now I was returning home alone.
Marion’s husband, Bobby, came to pick me up at the airport. As always, he was kind and gracious. He did not ask me any personal questions. He quietly greeted me and cheerfully made polite conversation during the drive to their home. I spoke now and then, just enough to break the silence. I didn’t feel like talking much. I was back in Florida, heartbroken, disappointed and unsure of my future. My only confidence came from the fact that I knew I was in the will of God, following His guidance and doing what He said.
CHAPTER II
Looking Through a Dark Glass
“What you need is clarity,” said Julia.
“Oh, Julia…I can’t think straight right now,” I heard myself say. “I don’t know which direction to take.”
I have not had occasion to mention Julia, but I had a conversation with her about living an intentional life and the need for clarity. She and I shared a common friend, Lynette, from my college days. And it is from those days that Julia had the brilliant idea that her brother-in-law, Robert, and I should meet because we were a good match. This dream was not realized until years after my college days when I had returned home after ending my relationship with Harold. It was within this conversation that I first expressed my need for a friend and confidant. It was just two days before I met Robert.
“I need a friend!” I blurted out. “I wish I had someone to talk to.”
Like a cat that has first spotted a mouse, Julia responded immediately as if she had been waiting for this opportunity for some time. The words seemed to have been on the tip of her tongue.
“I have the perfect friend for you! He is my brother-in-law and he’ll be great for you to talk with. Can I give him this telephone number?”
I said, “Yes.”
An interaction with Julia will sometimes make you feel as if you are in a tornado. Without having clear direction you may be blown in one direction or another, depending on her will at the time. But this blowing effect only happens if you have no clear direction for yourself. And that’s where I was at the time: I did not have clarity in my life. At that time I was just licking my wounds, trying to remember who I was.
My conversation with Julia continued and there was a new level of excitement coming from her end of the telephone. I could not match her enthusiasm at the time, but I trusted that she had the best intention in her recommendation.
“O.K. I’ll give Marion’s phone number to Robert since you’ll be there for a few days. He’ll probably call you this week.”
I stayed at Marion and Bobby’s home in Florida for six days before they drove me home to my own family three hours away. This visit gave me time to think about what I wanted to do and where I needed to go next. My ex fiancé was hurting over my breaking our plans to be married and for my leaving New York. He and I talked at length about why I had to leave. He was having difficulty dealing with it because it was very sudden. He needed help to get through his pain and I mistakenly thought that I could be that friend to help him. That was not a good decision as I later learned.
CHAPTER III
Prayer Partner
As the saying goes, everyone needs three things in this life: a good doctor, a good priest and a good accountant. I don’t disagree with this list of must-haves, but my list would be somewhat different. If there are two things I think everyone needs in this life it would be a best friend and a prayer partner. Happy is the one who finds both in the same person. For eight months of my life, I was that fortunate person. It was a relationship that has taken me to higher and deeper spiritual levels for years even after it ended.
After one phone call on the first Thursday evening in January 2004, Robert and I spoke as if we had known each other all our lives. He was a kind, sensitive and brilliant man. We could easily pray together and speak on deep intellectual levels within the same conversation each day.
Robert and I formed our own book club. We began reading Rick Warren’s Purpose Driven Life together as we discussed our views on life, God, and our place in the world. We discussed chapter by chapter and shared intimate details of our lives with one another which only strengthened our bond.
When we concluded The Purpose Driven Life, I introduced him to The Cost of Discipleship written by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. This is a book I don’t just share with anybody because most people I know will not sit still long enough to read a few sentences of it much less an entire chapter. It’s not that they lack the ability to read Bonhoeffer. Rather, it’s that Bonhoeffer requires the reader to carry a shovel; to read again and again in order to extract its true meaning. That’s what Robert and I did. We read again and again to discover deeper spiritual insights.
After leaving New York, I prayed earnestly to God for a friend, a real friend to talk with and share time with. Robert was my answer to prayer. He was exactly what I needed. He lived in Maryland, but every night we prayed together over the telephone. When we visited each other, we continued to talk to God together. He was there to listen to me express my deepest hurts. This prevented my mind from walking in the dark corridors of my past relationship experience.
I stopped attending my home church because I was too embarrassed to return home without being married. Everyone in the church knew that I had gone to New York to do just that. Countless times Robert encouraged me to return to church despite my fear of the members. The days I chose not to go he didn’t judge me. He simply told me all about what happened in his church and the good time he had while he was there.
It did not take long for Robert and I to fall in love with each other. Well, let me clarify that statement. I grew to love Robert on a level I had never experienced before. The term, fall in love, to my ear, doesn’t communicate enough depth for some reason. I love Robert’s soul. I love his thoughts, the way he expresses himself, his understanding of the world, his honesty and his ability to love others. I have the highest respect for him. I love how Robert loved me. And did I mention that I was very attracted to him?