Lessons From the Desert: An Autobiography
Smashwords Edition
Published by L. Thompson at Smashwords
© April 26, 2011
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Contents
Primacy of Christ in the Eucharist
INTRODUCTION
As a child of Vatican II, the years of elementary education were a tumultuous time in the Church. In eight years of elementary education all but one of my teachers was a lay teacher, but religious sisters did administer the school. I would say I was not greatly influenced by any particular religious community until years later when I entered graduate school. But my maternal grandparents had a great love for St. Francis and as a child he was one of the few saints I could immediately recognize. As I entered my teenage years, my life would be scarred by emotional issues that would have long-term effects.
When I graduated high school I felt I didn't want to go to college. This was mainly because at that time I was interested in veterinary medicine and it seemed like a lengthy process. Since 1985, I have had eleven jobs. I began doing clerical and secretarial work soon after high school. I began an undergraduate degree in liberal arts. When I finished my BA, I went on to graduate school to earn a master's degree in secondary education. Soon after I began teaching, I felt a strong desire to re-connect with my Catholic spiritual roots. In 2000, I began teaching in a Catholic school after completing formation with the Secular Franciscans. My time of formation with the SFO lead me into spiritual direction and later counseling as I spent a great deal of time reflecting on my childhood, my personality and my relationships with others.
Most of us are spiritually starving. We spend our lives searching for fulfillment…only to feel angry and empty. But do we recognize this? This journal is an attempt to reflect on that spiritual journey.
FIRST STEPS
I began my “official” Franciscan journey in 1998. I first thought that my choice to enter a secular institute was a good compromise with God. Since I was a child, I felt God was calling me to religious life… and I dreamed of becoming a “nun.” As I said, I don't think was because of any personal contact with nuns…but more a desire to fill a deep emptiness that nothing else seem to fill. My high school years were very difficult and filled with emotional trials. I finished high school, floated through some jobs looking for the right fit… before going on to college and eventually getting master’s degree. It was while attending graduate school that the old yearnings of God’s call on my life returned. I had wandered away from the church during college, but wandered “home” during graduate school. I became involved in ministries…RE, RCIA, and eventually teaching in a Catholic school.
One Sunday in 1998 I saw an ad in the parish bulletin about the Secular Franciscans… I soon entered formation. As part of this process, I needed to find a spiritual director. It was in spiritual direction and counseling that I first began to examine the impact years of sexual abuse had had on my self-image and psyche. This abuse had begun when I was 12 or 13 and continued for many years. It was during these early stages of counseling, that I realized how overly vigilant I had become…always waiting for the other shoe to fall. I had become emotionally and socially isolated.
I finished SFO formation in February 2001… and the following June, I entered religious life as a Third Order Regular Franciscan. I began a new formation program… and I believed I had left all compromise(s) behind. I believed I was finally getting myself right with God. In 2003, I entered the novitiate. This is a time of deep reflection and self-examination. All sorts of negative self-beliefs began to resurface… nightmares, depression, and anxiety! I was falling apart. In December of that year, I entered residential treatment. I spent 5 ½ months in a residential program. It was a gifted time!
I returned to community in May of 2004… and in July 2004, I entered my canonical year. (This was too soon, in my opinion… and I was right.) Feeling like I had very little choice, I left community in December 2004. In January 2005, I suffered a fall which led to surgery and months of physical therapy. I was hurt, physically, emotionally—and spiritually. And, for a long time, I have been wandering. As I write, it is December 2011. I returned to teaching and began a certificate in youth ministry, making plans and setting goals for a future that I thought involved living as a religious. I may spend the rest of my life treading water, as it were. This journal tries to bring together some of the learning of my time “in the desert”
BEING HUMAN
“Be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect.”
Matthew 5:48
The first learning I experience in this desert was my perfectionism. Is perfection even possible? Jesus is quoted above, "Be perfect…" Perfectionism is an easy impulse to follow but of course an impossible achievement. I mean I am only human. I know and understand the etymology of the word human (humus). On this journey I realized that being human implies the ability to say “I am.” It is the unique way that each of us images and participates in the divine I AM (Ferder, 9). Being human means being me. I struggle with being human...and I know that I still struggle with perfectionism. Since childhood, I felt I never measured up… always comparing myself to others and falling short of what I thought I ought to be. That is my sin. All this “stuff” that has blocked me from becoming the person God has called me to be. Joseph Kentenich states that we become what we love and the way we love influences the world around us (Delio, 222).
Being human means being a sinner, because I don't always hit a bull's eye. Sin is related to what I do in the world and to it (D’Auria, 315). Sin is appropriating inappropriate things (thoughts, feelings, behaviors...). One major appropriation I made in childhood was shame. Shame is something everyone feels from time to time. My appropriation was not only my own shame, but the shame of my family and the abuser. It became something that distorted how I made most of life’s choices. In my childhood, I appropriated the skills necessary for survival that have now become burdensome. As a child, my feelings and my fears drove me to look outside myself to find goodness. That was futile.
[Addictive] behavior is the futile and compulsive seeking of outer substitute experiences in an attempt to satisfy the emptiness that comes from the inner child’s unmet needs (Haase, 30). Gracefully, I had avoided addiction to drugs or alcohol... so what was my addiction, my compulsion? I wanted more... life! I always felt there has to be more to life than this! It didn’t matter what “this” was... I saw my life as it was and I wanted something different and I felt incapable of making it different. It is the child part of me, in an attempt to deal with reality that reacts with an intense feeling of wanting more–feelings of appropriation. This is because the inner child cannot sustain feelings of satisfaction with life. She is continually trying to “appropriate” something that is illusive. That is that any happiness, goodness or satisfaction with life can be found externally. This search for happiness, satisfaction or the vague more made me feel victimized and powerless.
But there are many of these compulsions that can be changed through therapy and recovery work–and grace! I am learning to expropriate “former ways of being.” I am more connected to myself and able to connect with people. Many experts realize how difficult it is for victims of sexual abuse to handle the responsibility and demands of adult intimacy (Haase, 31). I find it advantageous to be socially isolated sometimes. With no expectations from intimates I can't fail them and they can't fail me. For many years I had trouble setting boundaries…I usually overextended myself and would never say no when asked to go the extra mile. I am growing stronger in setting healthy boundaries. I have come to accept (daresay, appreciate) my limitations (pessimism, idealism, personality, thoughts, feelings...). Sometimes it’s still a struggle. Anger and judgmental-ism are two huge obstacles to more healthy relationships. Psychologically speaking, there are certain aspects of my personality that are fixed and unchangeable (Haase, 34)…but not all those aspects are unhealthy.
Being human means being humble. Humility requires action... not just attitude. The "human"-ness of humility needs to permeate my actions in the same way God’s "god"-ness overflows. It overflowed into the Logos and the Spirit. The incarnation and the Trinity are examples of God’s humility. It overflowed into all of creation. All of creation reached fulfillment in Jesus Christ. God chooses us because he is humble. In his humility he chooses the poorest of instruments to bring about his kingdom (Mother Teresa). In the same way, I am called to be me—all that I am. I can see now how much I let fear and anger rule my life... I held part of myself “in chains.” I was trying to live life without all of my resources... denying and deforming. Now that I can embrace “all of me”, I can feel the fullness and abundance of my life. Humility is the generative act that lets all forms of life reach self-actualization.
I grapple with “life as it is.” At heart, I am an idealist... as I stated earlier, but my energies are now used closer to home. The big question has become: What am I feeling and why am I am feeling that? What is the next best thing I can do to bring peace? But humility means being open to another’s vision of what life is–namely God’s vision (Quinn, 8). God is God, and I am not. I can see that previously I formed judgments, used defenses... whose main goal was to remain invulnerable. Now, I am more empathetic, less defensive, and safer “in my own skin.” This happened because I cooperated with grace. My knowledge has limits and my perceptions are not always true. Humility is surrendering to the limits of my own knowledge (Quinn, 8). Life “as it is” is not always ideal, but humility and perseverance are God’s gift to change life into a kingdom—His kingdom!
I am living and learning perseverance. According to Thomas Aquinas, perseverance is “to persist long in some undertaking until it is accomplished” (Summa Theologiae). Like Paul who speaks of running the good race; perseverance takes endurance. The scriptures and the life of Francis are full of examples of perseverance and its relational context. Francis’ key to life was how he persevered in expressing love with his entire being, becoming alter Christus, cruciform love. There is a relational component to perseverance. Even though I may feel alone, perseverance is supported by my friendships. I am learning to form healthy friendships. The marks of good friendships are benevolence, reciprocity, and mutual indwelling (Billy, 79). I am vigilant to not enact old patterns when it comes to my new friendships. I allow them to be more “organic.” I am learning to live without expectations... but that’s not easy.
I am called to embrace life, not avoid it, to welcome its energy and pursue its possibilities (Ferder, 35). I have begun to lovingly parent my inner child. A big part of this has been helping her grieve the loss of “life as it should be.” As a loving parent, I find time to calm her, listen to her, and provide a safe place for her. I have come to understand my own human-ness in order to raise a child who is “comfortable in her own skin.” I have found that as I have grown in self-love and self-acceptance... I have grown in the ability to love and accept others. I have learned that suffering comes in many shapes and sizes...we are imbued in it and at the same time oblivious to it.
As a follower of Christ in the footprints of Francis, I am called to a particularity of love, a scandal of compassionate love, a love that discovers God in the midst of suffering and reaches out to embrace the other in a way that touches and heals (Delio, 222). Whether or not I’m in community, I am walking my path with others... my friends, my family, my support group(s) members... every member of the human race... all of creation. As a human being seeking God, I aspire to see life through his eyes while at the same time I am learning to live among my fellow lepers.
AMONG THE LEPERS
“This son of mine was lost and is found, was dead and has come back to life.”
cf. Luke 15:23
My own perfection also effected what I thought of others. I developed a black or white attitude. It was difficult to accept others failings. It took traveling into this desert of self-examination for me to realize that we are all prodigals and we are all lepers. The prodigal left his father’s house to “live his own life.” He had fun for a while but could not cope once he had exhausted his own resources. Jesus encounters many lepers in the gospels. There are ten who plead for healing, but only one remembers to show gratitude. Francis has encounters with lepers, and he is repulsed. But one encounter on a remote path would be, to Francis, his moment of conversion.
What makes me a leper? I’m a leper when I isolate or withdraw or maintain patterns that keep me from “the fullness of life.” In my leprosy, I operate my life based on fear and/or assumptions, soon life is unmanageable. Fears and assumptions lead to expectations. Expectations lead to failure... and failure leads to more fear and/or assumptions. Francis’ aversion for the leper was based on assumptions and fears.
Lepers are those we never touch and because of this they are non-persons (Veik, 133). I can relate, when I’m out of touch with myself I cannot be in touch with another. Living among the lepers, I can see that everyone has “stuff.” The good news (about being a leper) is the discovery that the trappings that make them outcast—illnesses, looks, color, even behaviors—are rather peripheral to them as persons, and that any real difference between them and me is often only in the degree of visibility and exposure (Veik, 135). To some degree, each of us is alienated from each other, our selves, and God—“Strangers in a strange land.”
Scripture gives many examples of “the stranger in our midst.” {Here are a few scripture references that illustrate this point - Mark 9:8-12, Elijah, Seder, Gabriel, Angels at the tomb, Abraham and the visitors on the way to Sodom, the Good Samaritan}. There is again a relationality context here. It is God’s desire for us to not be strangers. God’s law asks us to let the stranger in.
God set aside an entire section of the law to explain how to treat the stranger. Accordingly, the entire community accepts the responsibility of entering into relationship with this one with no connection to the group. The entire community is obligated to form connection with the stranger. In the salvation schema, the stranger (orphan, widow, leper...) plays an important role in illustrating the kind of relationship God has for us (Haase, 33). God uses his law to teach us how to accept others, because He is completely accepting of us.
Acceptance is letting people be themselves and I am allowed to be myself. In total acceptance of others, I no longer follow patterns of behavior learned for survival in childhood that caused me to take on other people moods, feelings, beliefs...Acceptance is the courageous act of stepping out in faith.
Being a leper takes courage. Courage to connect…Courage to be interdependent…Courage to be vulnerable…Courage to surrender to Christ. The courage (of martyrdom) required for giving my life for Christ is usually manifested through perseverance (Billy, 75). This perseverance is deciding daily (sometimes several times a day) to follow Jesus (i.e. to love). Bonaventure indicates that the highest stage of love does not withdraw one from the world but rather transforms one into a servant who descends to serve in humility (Delio, 221). Discipleship is a choice freely made. The life of Francis shows us that radical love rests on radical freedom (Delio, 223). Freedom is trusting and loving enough to let go. It is love that joins the lover to the beloved, which alone can make a soul rise above itself and turn more deeply toward another (Delio, 221). Freedom means surrendering. Surrendering is holding back NOTHING—not even my hurts or my scars! Holding back nothing means I don’t keep score...or take anyone else’s inventory. Surrender is connected to forgiveness and mercy.
Forgiving is a decision (Veik, 135). Forgiveness does not happen passively, I choose to forgive. When I forgive I leave the past behind. Forgiveness means living in the present moment (Bahl, 2). By remaining in the present, I am present to life as it unfolds. This is generative and expansive. We are created for an expansive purpose—to enter into our human experience and discover there a fullness of life (Ferder, 35). Fullness of life enables me to love more fully and freely in the present moment. Living in forgiveness, I am more aware of the poor, the hungry, and the imprisoned. Living in the present moment, I am better able to perform acts of mercy. Mercy is necessary to stretch us beyond our prejudices, divisive fears and assumptions (Veik, 136).
There two types of mercy. (Rahamim) mercy is freely given, not earned (Veik, 137). This is the mercy the father lavishes upon his prodigal son. It comes from the Hebrew word rahib or rehem (womb). It indicates the relational quality of mercy. Francis, in the face of the leper, had to confront the sin of not accepting “my brother” born in the same womb {rehem of God} (Veik, 137). It also indicates that mercy is essential to calling someone brother or sister. Calling someone brother or sister connotes acceptance.
(Hesed) mercy is the mercy of covenant [absolute faithfulness] (Veik, 137). Hesed is also translated as grace. It illustrates the mercy of a covenant which obligates each party individually as well as jointly. Although I may continually fall short, God is faithful and will fulfill his obligations, because we are in covenant with one another. Hesed and Rahamim mercy join us to each other and God in a way that is relational...it is God’s love.
Francis learned to accept the lepers and was changed among them. I am learning to let go of my expectations and assumptions and accept people as they are. Francis overcame his fears and assumptions and kissed the leper. The kiss was a direct confrontation that opened ways for new learning and appreciation of the other (Veik, 133). Francis opened himself to a whole new of being...through a kiss! It was an overt act... a floodgate. What leper have I kissed? I have embraced life as it is. I am more accepting of myself, my friends, my family, and even strangers... and more aware of the traps in my life. I have found support... and give support to others. I have left behind all that I thought I wanted from life and found life is more than I ever thought it could be.
The fabric of Francis’ life was woven by the threads of poverty, humility and love (Delio, 219). By embracing the leper, Francis embraces that part of himself that he could not accept. By embracing the leper, Francis touches someone the “world” deemed untouchable. In this act he demonstrates decisiveness, courage, freedom, complete surrender, forgiveness and mercy. By embracing and kissing the leper, Francis embraces and kisses God—and provides for us the same opportunity and challenge.
PRAYER
“Almost all problems in our spiritual life stem from a lack of self-knowledge.”
Teresa of Avila
When I was in the deepest part of my emotional turmoil I ruminated on the question, why was I born? In that darkness I found only the pain and sadness of life—and it made me angry (resentful). I knew I was born with a purpose, as we all are, but I found no joy in life. I have spent many years trying to discover what that purpose might be. Memories of my childhood are weak, but upon examining my early journals, I did find one recurring theme. That theme is the search for life’s purpose. I longed to know it—and I looked for it outside of myself. Inside each of us is a still small voice which knows the purpose of life. Inside me there are other voices—critical, negative, ugly voices!
There is also the voice of a wounded child inside me. These voices have their own view of the world. They warp my view of reality. Their warped perception impacts my relationships, including my relationship with God. If the child within us is not acknowledged, we will have difficulty taking into account all others, including God (Haase, 33). In the therapeutic process, I began to keep track of the many manifestations of my feelings of victimization. This led to a broadening of my self-knowledge. I have become more comfortable with myself. I am better at choosing how to (re)act and take responsibility for my actions. I began to realize that under these feelings of victimization was a great deal of anger. These feelings had an effect on my relationship with God, as well as others. I often found it difficult to pray. While in the abusive environment, I would often pray. But years after the abuse was over, I found myself in a desert and a dark night of the soul—prayer felt futile.
In order to survive and feel safe, I expended so much energy I expended assessing other people’s moods and feelings, matching my mood and feelings to theirs in order to survive. One of the manifestations of the abuse was the difficulty of separating any other point of view from my own. I learned to take on other’s feelings and point of view, projecting my feelings on them and at the same time losing touch with my feelings. I lost the ability to relate. So why pray? There a saying in 12-step philosophy that says, “If you worry why pray, but if you pray why worry?” I got really good at worrying. And when all I could feel was anger, I didn't know how to bring that to prayer.
Prayer is as much about self-knowledge as it is the knowledge of the Other. The key tool to self-knowledge is reflection (Pable, 277). Reflection is listening to the inner stirrings. I have come to realize reflection (prayer) helps me change me. It is the starting point for so many things. It helps me to slow down and address those other inner voices. Types of reflection include examination of consciousness, spiritual direction, and conversations with close friends (Billy, 78). I would also add support groups, 12-step meetings, and journaling—but above all, silence and solitude in the presence of God.
Prayer is the way to develop a relationship with God. Relationships are still difficult for me. It’s still hard to pray. (This is still a side effect of leaving community... feeling rejected even by God.) I have the desire but not the will. In prayer, we reveal our idea of who God is, as well as our idea of who we are (Jarmak, 275). Francis expressed this in the question, “Who are you, O God, and who am I?” Francis’ prayers are scriptural, Trinitarian, affective, adoring and thankful, faith-filled and simple (Jarmak, 279). Thus, they clearly illustrate the relationship that exists between Francis and God.
The foundation of Francis’ prayer life, the keystone of this spirituality, is that God is good (Jarmak, 276). In community, it was easier to relate to God. I felt closer to God, because I thought I was living the life he had ordained for me. I felt I had finally put the past behind me. But then, I was called out into the wilderness. I struggled with the grief and bewilderment of not being in community. I wandered in the desert, trying to figure out life’s new path. God felt distant and like a stranger again. Why would God, who is good, take away my dream of being a sister?
“But the things that used to be advantages for me, I have, because of the Messiah, come to consider a disadvantage.” (Philippians 3:7) Behaviors and beliefs that helped me survive are now a handicap. Sometimes they handicap me subconsciously. They framed my opinion, my point of view and my reaction(s) to life. But they are growing weaker. “I keep pursuing the death of these things in the hope of taking hold of that for which Jesus Christ took hold of me.” (Philippians 3:12)
This is the goal of my therapy and recovery work–to rebuild healthy relationships–even my relationship with God. I am learning to thrive as a new creation. I come to God “as is.” I am searching deeper and deeper into myself to find the good God planted within me. It takes more than desire to be in a relationship it takes action. The best course of action for me is to create a schedule and persevere in keeping it. Therefore, I spend time each day in deliberate and conscious communion with God. I know in my head that God is a loving being. “God is love.” God has imbued all of creation with his love. The novelty and newness of Francis’ movement, its revelation is that through prayer we can become prayer (D’Auria, 310).
DISCERNMENT
“Now if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives to all generously and without reproach; and it will be given.”
James 1:5
So, I finally made the decision that for years I thought God wanted for my life—to be a religious, a sister. But then, they didn't want me, or accept my brokenness. I felt betrayed. So, how can I serve God given these circumstances? I don’t always feel as though the spiritual part of me matters. But I know that closing off any part of me deforms that part. So I am learning to exercise my spiritual self through prayer and discernment. Sometimes, I feel like I'm on autopilot. I attend 12-step meetings, I meet with my therapist, I employ healthier life choices…but depression is not an easy demon to exorcise. This life journey means “letting go and letting God” (Step 3). Support and guidance to living the gospel comes from reading and chewing on God’s word (Quinn, 8). Loving and following God as Christ did... or like Francis. Francis’ love compelled him to let go of his egocentric self and cling to God (Delio, 220).
Prayer is the beginning of discernment (Quinn, 8). How can I know God’s will for my life unless I willingly and freely relate to God? It is not always easy or pleasing to come “as I am” to God. What is needed is perseverance to travel the path of self-knowledge and conversion. For Francis, conversion means living the gospel literally. Evangelical life begins in an experience of penance, conversion, and metanoia (D’Auria, 308). This becomes a pattern for life. In it I delve the depths of who God is and who I am.
This does not occur in isolation. I cannot figure out life by myself. “It is not good for man to be alone” (Gen. 2:7). This means taking baby steps, the foundation of which is a prayerful encounter with God. It also involves the duality of the singular self and the companionship of others (Quinn, 7). It is necessary to find kindred sojourners who will provide the relational context of discernment (LM 12). In this relational context, I relate to myself, to God and to other kindred ‘sisters and brothers.’
Discernment is the process of differentiating all those attitudes, feelings, thoughts and behaviors which enabled me to survive but now hold me back. Discernment is living deliberately. I live deliberately when I can resist the compulsions or the need for compulsions subsides. This means I’m living in the present. Living in the present, one-day-at-a-time, I can feel and express my feelings in healthy ways. It means choosing vulnerability. Above all, this lifestyle of discernment is listening with radical awareness of self as a relational being, therefore listening together with others to God (Quinn, 11).
CULTIVATING FAITH
“Because you are lukewarm, I will spit you out.”
Revelation 3:16
One morning I sat down to enjoy a cup of tea on the patio, when the phone rang. I left the patio and became involved in a lengthy phone call. When I returned to retrieve my tea, it was tepid—yuck! Christian life should never be tepid. This life is a visible sign that gospel living is possible (Gottenmoeller, 142). Gospel living is never lukewarm.
How am I cultivating this passionate gospel living? Gottenmoeller phrases this question: When it is ambiguous how can we invite others in (p. 138)? Perhaps we are projecting our own ambiguities and insecurities; failing to create a clear vision of what Gospel life is.
Gospel life is a shared journey. Every challenge or misadventure of an individual is an opportunity for all (Gottenmoeller, 144). What will draw people to this life? That’s pretty simple—it's the people within the community who will draw or inspire others to join. I can only reap what I sow. Does my spirituality make visible and attractive the love of God... in the way I live the gospel life? Is this love outwardly directed? Is it intentional, expressive and welcoming?
This is the challenge. We are called to be in fraternitas with all of creation. That is, imbued with the love of God... and in this way we will draw others to Christ (and perhaps to religious life.) Through this relationality we all grow (mutual growthfulness) in God through Christ.
In this modern world, there are many challenges to living the gospel life. But our generation is not unique... there have always been challenges. Lacking monastic structure, this life of prayer and contemplation can easily be supplanted by busy apostolic activity (Jarmak, 274). Even Peter, James and John returned to fishing after the Resurrection... until Christ spoke to them from the shore. I see many religious whose ministerial demands are always their priority. These demands undermine community life, in the same way other workaholics miss the fullness of (secular) life. It is community life that authenticates religious life (i.e. makes it unique and closest to God’s plan).
I began this section speaking abut lukewarm-ness. I found it difficult to always be passionate about living the gospel life. I know now it was because I felt burdened and unworthy. It was difficult to love, even myself. Even now, I have to re-examine my priorities often. Gospel living is a way of life centered on the commandment of love (D’Auria, 310). Our way of life, our choices demonstrate our ability and will to follow God’s command. We are called to leave the world and seek God. We are called to be Christ to one another. Be encouraged--open (y)our hearts and ask God for courage and strength to live out (y)our vocation to the end (Billy, 79).
PRIMACY OF CHRIST IN THE EUCHARIST
“For the Bread of God is that which comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.”
John 6:33
The scripture above is the punch line of the Bread of Life discourse in John’s gospel. After it many followers just walk away--abandoning Jesus. They didn’t dare glimpse behind the veil that Jesus peels away. Jesus, the original manna, pulls back the veil of God’s mystery. We glimpse this mystery in the body, blood, soul and divinity of the Eucharist. Through the Eucharist we are united in Christ. This is central to community life. I will elaborate on this in my discussion of the vows but let me just say a few things here.
Bonaventure indicates that the true Christian, like Francis, must acquire the spirit of burning love of Christ and this love must be made visible in the flesh (Delio, 220). Like Cleophas and his companion, will we recognize him in the breaking of the bread, and realize “we’re not our hearts burning within us?”
The Eucharist has gained prominence in my life. I remember at my first communion “promising to give myself to God.” It was the Eucharist that called me home to the Catholic Church after my “teenage rebellion.” There were countless times, while in formation, that I leaned on Christ in the Eucharist for guidance and solace... and felt both.
The Latin word “salus” means salvation and health, holiness and wholeness. “Salvation comes from hearing and hearing from the word of God.” Salvation is following God’s will. It is finding God--this means coming face-to-face with suffering and death. Certainly this means the death of old ways--our old self that walked away from God. In the Christian worldview, salvation is inexorably linked with the inner child (Haase, 33). Placing a child before them, He said, “Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.” The love of God impels us to bring about the kingdom of God (in the here and now) through our love of one another. We cannot bring to another what we do not contain. Through the Eucharist we become what we consume and serve what we contain to others--Jesus.
KOINANEIA (COMMUNITY)
“The community of believers was of one heart and mind and no one claimed any of his possessions as his own, but had everything in common.”
Acts 4:32
People sold all they had and laid the money at the feet of the apostles. They lived together, prayed together, ate together... and even shared prison cells and died together. Community living is what happens when two or more people relate to one another in a significantly mutually beneficial and ongoing way (Gottenmoeller, 139). This is what the Greeks call koinaneia. It is a relationship of one heart and mind... deepening intimacy among peers. It is a healthy relationship. It is based on relational separateness—a way of being together that allows for individuality and indivisiveness (Haase, 33).
As a member of a religious community—we lived together, we prayed together, we worshipped together. When I entered the convent, I considered all the positive things the life. Among having the opportunity to serve God and his church, I would have a community of like-minded individuals who were seeking the same things in life as I.
When some of those things connected to childhood trauma resurfaced at this time, my novice director encouraged me to seek residential treatment. Later it was her advice and the advice of the leadership that I leave community and concentrate on my own healing. I agreed, thinking that I would return in a year or two. I felt I was being rejected on a basic personal level. It was a hard blow. And even though residential treatment had given me a vast of amount of resources to healthy living, I was so hurt upon my actual departure that it took three of four years to forgive this feeling of rejection.
Would I go back? No, I believe God led me there to begin a deeper level of healing. Now, I travel on by myself to continue that healing. These are some of things I learned about community in this desert-time.
This way of life Community life needs concrete expression. Members need to live it proactively and mindfully. This means discussing the current day-to-day reality and enacting new ways of doing and being to make koinaneia possible. This will require perseverance. Each member will need to persevere in finding balance between her needs and her responsibilities to the group (Billy, 77). The community is only as healthy as its members. Our faithful living of the vows proclaims the availability and accessibility of God’s love of all people through our way of life (Giallanza, 4). Therefore, each member’s healthy ego and self-actualization can only be obtained by establishing healthy boundaries (Haase, 32). If this is not accomplished we’ll spend our whole life defending those boundaries and remain cut off and close-hearted. Abandoning one’s self to community life takes perseverance. And this perseverance requires moderation... after all community life is about kenosis. Therefore we do have to undergo some conversions. Some we will choose--others will be chosen for us.
Community life requires asceticism. This means striving for the virtues of self-discipline, generosity, tolerance, patience, etc. It is yet another truth that in today’s world, most congregations have a few members whose psychological health is so fragile that they are not able to cope with requirements of community life (Gottenmoeller, 147). Koinaneia is a level of fellowship which invites and spurs change “for the love of God.” This all begs the question--how do I live my relationships in order to bring about the kingdom of God?
CARITAS (CHARITY)
Ubi caritas est amor, Deus ibi est.
Traditional chant
Instead of searching for a group of like-minded people in an official community…I have my support system in 12-step group(s), church community, family and friends. I have found that healthy living is about how I live my relationships in order to bring about the kingdom of God. Living the Christian life means dwelling on the theological virtues—faith, hope and charity. Charity (caritas) is an attitude of relationality. It is sometimes translated as caring. What does caring mean? Jesus models caring in his ministry. He does not exclude, in fact he works for diversity and inclusivity. He reminds us of God’s care for us... i.e. our dependency on God. For Francis, radical dependency means relational dependency (Delio, 219). To live the gospel at its deepest level is to build the kingdom by living loving relationships (D’Auria, 312).
Living the gospel is living in maturity. “To stand on our own” is one of the most distinctive marks of being human (Ferder, 44). Psychosexual development is another word for “growing up.” A mature Christian is someone who is reasonably self-aware, responsibly free, creative (generative) and able to share authentic intimacy (Ferder, 46). The inner child has to grow up--this can only happen when the adult ego has an ongoing and conscious relationship with that child (Haase, 31).
Healthy communities balance individual needs with the common good day after day in small way and large ways (Gottenmoeller, 142). The knowledge of self-awareness {of being a separate, conscious, center of embodied life} is essential to our lives as lovers and friends (Ferder, 44) This is the ideal, but we don’t always live the ideal. Therefore, ruptures require reconciliation free flowing forgiveness in kindness and humility (D’Auria, 312).
In caritas we walk together, like Mary and Christ, our own and the communal “way of the cross.” Community life is nourished by dialogue and prayer, ritual and celebrations (Gottenmoeller, 143)... but utmost our vulnerability, humility and mindfulness. Our vulnerability consists in our inability to see what this ideal (of gospel living) really requires of us. Our humility empowers us to full acceptance of the others’ human-ness. Our mindfulness allows us to consciously live in fraternitas. It is in loving relationships the kingdom of God is realized (D’Auria, 313).
FRATERNITAS
“We are in crises, not a crisis of age but of relationship--relationship to our brothers and sisters, to our church and to our world.”
Ilia Delio
As I dealt with resentment and disconnection from social isolation, I spent time contemplating where I fit in…in my relationships, in my hopes and dreams, and in the world at large—how was I seeking purpose in my life? How was bringing goodness to life (fraternitas)?
Fraternitas is rooted in the Incarnation. It is founded in Francis’ insight that Christ became brother to all of us in the Incarnation. The cosmic Christ is brother to all creation... and calls us to the same relationship (D’Auria, 314). Brother--this personally difficult for me to accept. For what is a brother? I can grasp the concept of sibling... but brother? This again taps into the misgivings and mistrusts of my inner child... I don’t want another brother. How can I accept this relationality safely? I won’t go into all the detail of my relationship with my brother... or my other siblings for that matter. But suffice to say, I am learning new ways to be... and letting go of what I used to be.
Incarnation reminds us again of rahimim mercy. There is a relationship that exists because we all came from the rehem of God. Incarnation is more than a condition; it is a journey--a process of discovering, accepting and embracing the fact that we are embodied, yet spiritual beings created for a purpose. Fraternitas is mindfully living this purpose “through the equality and mutuality of my relationships rooted in my relationship with Jesus Christ (TOR Rule).
Christ’s condescension exemplifies that living the gospel life is being ever open to a deeper relationship with God in Christ. It is through this relationship I relate to all of creation. Creation is an act of love still reverberating throughout the cosmos! It is through the Incarnation that I experience the power to “love one another as I have loved you.” The reason for the Incarnation is God’s free love and eternal decision to have outside himself someone who would love him perfectly (D’Auria, 309). Fraternitas is profound acceptance of God’s love for us. In his love, He would have sent Jesus even if we hadn’t sinned. “It is not that we love God, but that he first loved us.”
POVERTY
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, theirs is the kingdom of God.”
Matthew 5:3
Jesus stood on the mound and gave a sermon that included this bit of teaching. In essence he was saying, “Aren’t you lucky?” I have sat at 12-step meetings, and sometimes the thought of “being lucky” has come into my head. I might feel lucky because this ‘bad’ thing I’m hearing hasn’t happened to me, or maybe because it’s a ‘good’ thing to which I can relate/empathize. Then I remind myself, don’t compare. Comparing is just another way of having expectations.
I wonder, are we born with expectations... or do they develop as we live? Every child is wounded in some way by their parents... these wounds become holes in the psyche (Haase, 29). As a child, I often compared myself to others. Later in life, this led to many problems. Focusing on these comparisons distracted me from all I had. Every child has two sides: one is full of potential and creativity, the other is infantile and childish (Haase, 31).
Since the age of seven, I have had the desire to enter religious life. Could this have been a childish desire? Certainly I was exposed to Hollywood images of religious life like Jennifer Jones in The Song of Bernadette. But it goes deeper than that. As I child, even before the abuse, I felt close to God (esp. at prayer and at Mass.) I had a relationship with him, even before I knew what that meant. Then during the years of abuse, God was the one to whom it was safe for me to express everything. Why, even after being (feeling) rejected, would I still feel God calling me to religious life?
I know I can follow Christ, as many do, in the secular life. Is it just my feelings of wanting more? Is it my inner child? The inner child is the suffering part of us (Haase, 33). I am a survivor of sexual abuse... and I will probably have to deal with the manifestations of that abuse for the rest of my life. In this hole-filling search, the inner child usually replicates its primal wounding experiences in some way with other significant individuals or events (Haase, 30). How does COMMUNITY replicate my primal wounding experience? Will it always be like that? Whereas a few years ago this affected so much of my life, now it is less dominant in determining who I am (inside) and how I act (outside.)
One manifestation I have discussed over and over is suppressing my needs in order to “not to make waves.” This behavior makes it difficult to live in community, and be in formation. One childhood survival method I learned was to adapt--meeting the need of the other was more important than meeting my own need. Pretty soon, I could not discern my own needs... and eventually my needs didn’t matter. Dissonance from having needs... needs are viewed, by my wounded psyche, as weaknesses therefore we sacrifice our needs in the attempt to establish congruency [normalcy] (Haase, 30).
I have said all of this as an examination of my own poverty. The integral part of Francis’ poverty was the admission of powerless helplessness without God (Jarmak, 277). This can be restated in 12-step philosophy. “We admitted that we are powerless over the incest experience and that our lives have become unmanageable” (Step One). This is the step that leads to conversion.... and through conversion we discover just how poor we are. When we accept our poverty, the kingdom becomes present (D’Auria, 313).
"If you wish to be perfect (Mt 19:21) go sell all your possessions (cf. Lk 18:22) and give (the money) to the poor, (and) you will have treasure in heaven. Then, come and follow me." This is poverty. Poverty is the total divesting of anything (thought, memory, future plans, condition, desire…) that would keep me from following God with my whole heart. Francis was very concrete. Evangelical poverty is actual material poverty. Material poverty clears away the obstacles between God's will and mine. It is the condition that best preserves my total dependence on God. Poverty is the condition where I surrender all my own expectations--even my expectations of God. Again, 12-step living reminds me that I pray only to know God’s will. Poverty, as the Rule and Life states, is the admission that I cannot save myself. Poverty is detachment. Poverty is giving my self as gift and emptying my self as well. Therefore, through this poverty I grow in spirit and in love.
In my poverty, "I own only my limitations and my sinfulness." (TOR commentary) My poverty includes my emotional and psychological scars, and these scars may limit my ability to live the vow of poverty. Having been in survival mode for so many years, I struggle to detach. I struggle to trust. I struggle to completely surrender myself over to anyone else, even God. But it is because of these scars that I need to trust, to detach and to totally surrender. That is just one of the paradoxes of poverty.
Poverty is full of paradoxes. Poverty is about accepting my limits, but does not limit my ability to change and grow. Poverty is accepting reality and at the same time being an active participant in changing the status quo. Poverty is accepting myself as I am but being open to change. Poverty is about surrendering and giving up the illusion of self-sufficiency. Poverty is the acknowledgement that I need God. Poverty is being fully alive. Poverty is recognizing the goodness of those realities we forgo to maintain our identity in Jesus (Quinn, 4). What reality am I willing to forgo? Will I ever be able to live in community without feeling like my needs are secondary? The question of poverty, therefore, is not how much I do give up, but how much do I love, and what prevents me from loving (Delio, 219)?
In those places where Francis speaks of poverty, he places poverty in relationship to Christ and to fraternal love (Delio, 219). I know I’m still struggling with the issues of power & control that I have found in community... in many relationships throughout my life. Another big issue is the events surrounding my departure... tapping into my ubiquitous feelings of being a victim. These are issues I am still working through, but the main thing that keeps me from loving are--my own thoughts and feelings.
The fact that I may never be sufficiently satisfied or resolve these issues is my poverty. The foundation of our poverty is the total expropriation of self, and trusting dependence of God {kenosis} (Jarmak, 276). I am working on expropriating childhood patterns as well as other behaviors that impede me from enjoying the fullness of life. It is yet to be seen where this kenosis will lead. According to Jung, an eternal child, something that is always becoming, is never completed (Haase, 36).--this child leads us (paradoxically) into the experience of salvation and the divine.
CHASTITY
"Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God.”
Matthew 5:8
I don't think it a great surprise to reveal that sexual abuse scars the psychosexual self. For me, I repressed sexual needs and didn't really seek any relationship in which there might those expectations. I was celibate, but didn't necessarily feel chaste…I felt unclean but not because of what I did but what was done to me. This was part of my disconnect.
Chastity is “life to the full” in our psychosexual lives. Chastity is the movement toward psychosexual integration (Ferder, 48). It involves the long and arduous journey of becoming incarnate—entering reverently and responsibly into our flesh, so that our sexual energy becomes a vehicle for love rather than self-expression.
Chastity is generative--each time we move from negative to positive from ignorance to knowledge, compulsion to freedom, resentment to forgiveness--victim to empowered (Pable, 285). Chastity shifts my life's energy so completely to the Lord that "nothing less than union with God through the Spirit will be my life's objective." It is manifested in love of neighbor. "Because God loves us, the brothers and sisters should love each other" (TOR Rule). In one sense, chastity is a way of talking about psychosexual integration in light of gospel values (Ferder, 47).
Chastity involves questions of intimacy, self-disclosure, loving-attentiveness, deep friendships (Billy, 76). I had to learn a new repertoire of how to be. My time at RESIDENTIAL TREATMENT was a gift. The access (that religious have) to psychological testing and counseling and to spiritual direction can help them deal with problems in living the vow of chastity (Billy, 76). Chastity calls us to a disciplined way of life based on reverence in relationships and wholehearted love of God.
When I returned from residential treatment, I continued to grow and more healing has taken place since I left community. I know that the relational aspect of religious life will be the most difficult part of the life for me. Without growing in intimacy with Christ, the celibate is without an anchor and will drift with every theological and psychological breeze (Pable, 279). This explains why self-knowledge (mindfulness) is so important.
Francis went to live among the lepers and found Christ. In that same way, I found my wounds and scars by living in community. The more we become sure of our own center, the more we can open our boundaries and be relational with others and God (Haase, 32). Self-knowledge consists in the ability to tune into and correctly identify internal feelings and tendencies. Self-knowledge is a precondition for freedom of choice (Pable, 276).
When self-awareness and freedom converge, the outcome is creativity (Ferder, 45). I also found healing, caring, empathy, support, and direction. I found all this in others and in myself, through Christ. I am still learning the skills needed for developing boundaries and healthy friendships. Skills needed to develop boundaries: time, energy, and suppression (Pable, 283). Skills for friendship: the ability and willingness to listen, self-disclosure, presence, allowing others to care for me (Pable, 281).
Chastity must be counterbalanced by a genuinely mystical life (Pable, 279). This again stresses the importance of a healthy prayer life. In prayer I am learning the will (and love) of God. Celibacy celebrates and demonstrates God’s incarnational love (Giallanza, 2).
Chastity is single-heartedness of purpose, and that purpose is Christ. Chastity is purity. Chastity is purely seeking Christ and his will… an unpolluted purpose to live for God alone. The vow of chastity is the vow concerning the relational aspects of this life. It is the vow of mutuality and "response-ability." This is a way of relating that is mercy--being true to my own self as lover, and preserving and honoring the dignity of my brother and sister (Veik, 137). It is a gift that can never be realized, a well that will not run dry, a mystery that will lead us into deeper closeness with God (Ferder, 46).
OBEDIENCE
"Whoever does not take up his cross and follow me is not worthy of me."
Matthew 10:38
This is how Jesus explains obedience. According to the Rule and Life, obedience is "the underlying attitude necessary for conversion." The spirit of obedience I am called to live is the obedience of Christ. Obedience is listening lovingly to God, in prayer and in community. To persevere in obedience--keeping my eyes on Christ’s example of obedience to God (Billy, 76). I entered community thinking I was being obedient to God. I left community out of obedience, too. I continue to "listen" and determine where God is calling me. I continue this desert sojourn out of obedience.
Obedience is surrendering. Again Francis helps by being practical and concrete. Obedience is conforming my will to God's will. Obedience means being ready to follow even when I don’t understand where I’m being asked to go (Billy, 77). Obedience is the conscious choice of saying, "yes" to all that God asks of me. Obedience celebrates and demonstrates that human cooperation and collaboration with God are truly possible (Giallanza, 3)
Gospel living and relational obedience are symbiotic (Giallanza, 144). Relational obedience builds community life (koinaneia). Relational obedience forms a common heart... a firm will to accept differences and respect one another... walking together united in love (D’Auria, 311). Obedience is detachment from self-will. It presupposes that ministers and members are free of selfishness and reverence and the presence and revelation of the Holy Spirit in the other (D’Auria, 311).
Obedience is trusting that God's will is good and gracious. It is responding to God in the way I live and my daily choices. Obedience is total commitment. It is leaning on God and having faith. Obedience is the leap of faith… from point A to only God knows where. Obedience, like poverty, is self-emptying. Obedience doesn't alleviate me of power or responsibility. Actually obedience makes me able to respond and empowers me to do whatever God would ask.
FINAL THOUGHTS
“I came so that they might have life and have it more abundantly."
John 10:10
I left community in December 2004. My perspective (and my confusion) was that I was being sent away yet again. I was acceptable in my illness, but not acceptable as in recovery? So, I was told I was not being ‘kicked to the curb’ but leaving was my only choice. I still have feelings of ambivalence about the events that led to my departure, and sometimes I still feeling victimized by the events and people involved... my ambivalence does sometime drive me crazy. I have become a different person through this experience; and since leaving, I have changed a little, too.
I continue to do my therapy and recovery work. I am still making strides. I can see I still have a way to go. I am still discovering new manifestations about the abuse, and I am getting a clearer picture of how all of this affects my life. At this point I feel the decision is not whether or not I’ll be “a nun”, but can I consistently apply the values of that way of life to my everyday experience right now? Do I desire to? Am I capable of doing it at all?
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