THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE WHO LIVE LIFE
By David Bruce
Dedicated with Love to Carla, Tiffany, and Camden Evans
Many thanks to Ed Venrick for the front cover.
SMASHWORDS EDITION
Copyright 2009 by Bruce D. Bruce
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Cover Illustration Copyrighted by the Artist: Carla Evans
Shown in Illustration: Tiffany and Camden Evans
•••
The Funniest People Who Live Life
Chapter 1: From Actors to Couples
Actors
• In the old days, acting was looked down on as an improper and immoral profession. The 19th-century actor O. Smith once worked in a troupe that performed in a theater that had been a chapel. The troupe made arrangements to lend the theater to a Methodist preacher on Sundays—provided that the preacher would refrain from criticizing their profession. Mr. O. Smith and a scene painter worked on Sunday, with only a curtain separating them from the preacher, so that they were able to hear every word of his sermon. Every time the preacher began to criticize the acting profession, the scene painter said “Ahem” loudly, and the preacher toned down his rhetoric. Mr. Smith writes that the ahems were “a sad restraint” on the preacher’s eloquence.
• One of the best movies by Mel Brooks is The Producers, starring Zero Mostel and Gene Wilder. Mr. Mostel was hired first, and he attended Mr. Wilder’s audition. Before the audition, Mr. Mostel reached out his hand as if he were going to shake Mr. Wilder’s hand, then suddenly he grabbed Mr. Wilder, pulled him close, and kissed him on the lips. Before the kiss, Mr. Wilder had been nervous, but after the kiss, he relaxed. (By the way, both Mr. Mostel and Mr. Wilder are straight.)
• In Los Angeles, an actress friend of comedian Bob Smith was going to an audition when she became involved in a serious car accident. Although she was injured and being helped by paramedics and police, she kept telling them, “I’m got to call my agent. Please, I’ve got to call my agent.” She knew she sounded ridiculous, but she was worried that her new agent would think she was irresponsible.
• Barbra Streisand is not superstitious, although she does say that it is bad luck to step in front of a speeding locomotive. Another person who is not superstitious is Noël Coward, who nevertheless admits that it is bad luck for 13 people to sleep in the same bed.
Advertising
• Professional golfer Bryon Nelson once was offered $500 to endorse the cigarettes of a certain tobacco company. This was big money at the time, and Mr. Nelson accepted it. However, he had second thoughts when Sunday School teachers started writing him to ask, “How could you?” These letters upset Mr. Nelson, and he contacted the tobacco company and tried to give the money back. Unfortunately, the tobacco company refused to let him out of his contract and so the advertisements stayed in circulation.
• Sometimes, advertising is true. Once, Westbrook Van Voorhees was announcing a program sponsored by a cigarette company when he suddenly had a coughing attack. He explained the coughing by saying on the air, “Guess I’ve been smoking too much.”
• TV commercials for the European jeans manufactured by Diesel sometimes addressed contemporary issues. One commercial was headlined, “How to smoke 145 cigarettes a day.” In it, a talking skull asks the viewers, “Man, who needs two lungs anyway?”
• In the Los Angeles Times once appeared this ad, reproduced in its entirety: “LAST DAY TO SEND IN YOUR DOLLAR.—Box 153.” Thousands of people parted with their money in response to this ad.
Alcohol
• While making a movie with Paramount Pictures, Victor Mature and Jim Backus dressed as Roman warriors. Mr. Mature had business to attend to away from the movie studio during lunchtime; wanting company, he asked if Mr. Backus would go with him. Having completed his business, Mr. Mature and his guest stopped by a bar to have a drink, but the bartender—not being used to such guests—ignored their orders and stared at them. Mr. Mature then asked, “What’s the matter with you? Don’t you serve members of the Armed Forces?”
• Richard Westrop, a Quaker preacher, once traveled by train and got a piece of grit in his eye. He went to the refreshment room at York (England) station and ordered a glass of milk. However, when he started to drink the milk, he discovered that alcohol had been added to it. Mr. Westrop told the server about the addition, but she irately replied, “Now look here, when a parson comes in and orders milk and gives me a wink, what else is he ordering but what I’ve given you?”
• Jack Norton got laughs for decades in walk-on roles in which he played a drunk. Once, a director criticized him for playing a severely drunk man. According to the director, no man could be that drunk and still stay on his feet. But the director didn’t know that Mr. Norton had watched him at a party a couple of days earlier and was imitating him.
• Bishop Healy of Galway once went to a barber who had been out drinking the night before. Because of the unsteadiness of his hands, the barber accidentally cut Bishop Healy, who said, “This cursed drinking!” The barber replied, “Yes—it leaves the skin awful tender.”
Arguments
• A Rabbi and a soapmaker were talking. The soapmaker asked, “What good is religion? After millennia of sermons and prayers, still many people lack spirituality. If religion is true, why is this so?” The Rabbi pointed to a child playing in a mud puddle and said, “Look at that child. After millennia of soapmaking, some people are still dirty. If soap makes people clean, why is this so?” The soapmaker said, “Soap cannot do any good unless it is used.” The Rabbi replied, “Exactly.”
• Rabbi Joshua ben Hanania went to Athens to talk with some philosophers, who asked him, “Where is the center of the Earth?” Rabbi Joshua pointed to a nearby spot and said, “This is the center of the Earth.” When the Athenian philosophers asked how he knew that, Rabbi Joshua replied, “Bring your measuring rods, and measure it for yourselves.”
• Comic singer Anna Russell’s Auntie Wavell enjoyed arguing with the vicar after church. He usually would end the argument by slamming the door. Once, he slammed the door—and it fell off its hinges.
Baseball
• Andy Olsen was an umpire for the longest scoreless game in baseball. On May 8, 1965, in the Eastern League, teams from Elmira, New York, and Springfield, Massachusetts, battled in a game that lasted 27 innings—the first 25 of them scoreless. In the 26th inning, both teams got a run, and in the 27th inning, Elmira won the game, 2-1, with a close play at home plate. The Springfield coach wasn’t happy, but he didn’t argue the call. Instead, he told Mr. Olsen, “Andy, you shortened the game on us.”
• Cardinal Spellman attended the 1953 World Series between the Brooklyn Dodgers and the New York Yankees. In one game, Dodger catcher Roy Campanella ran after a foul ball that struck a railing, then bounced off Cardinal Spellman’s knee. Mr. Campanella asked whether His Eminence had been hurt. “Don’t worry about me,” Cardinal Spelling replied. “God had the wisdom to make a priest’s knees the toughest part of his anatomy.”
Bathrooms
• When the Middleroad Friends Meeting in Springport, Indiana, renovated its bathrooms, it was a big deal, and the Quakers attending the meeting decided to celebrate. First, a nicely varnished plunger—the Plunge Ahead Award—was presented to the clerk. Second, the meeting’s sole doctor member presented the meetinghouse with a bunch of old magazines for reading purposes. Third, brass plates—one showing a woman’s bonnet and the other showing a man’s broad-brimmed hat—were put on the relevant doors. Fourth, a ceremonial cutting of a roll of toilet paper was held. Fifth, two children—a boy and a girl—performed ceremonial flushes. And finally, tours of the facilities were held. Often, Quakers are thought to be overly solemn, but obviously, that stereotype is not true of the Middleroad Friends Meeting.
• A Western woman went to a Zen monastery to seek enlightenment. While there, she cleaned the bathrooms in an effort to show that she was humble. In addition, she pestered the Zen master by constantly asking, “What is Zen?” The Zen master ignored her. Eventually, she got tired of cleaning the bathrooms and told the Zen master that if she wanted to clean bathrooms, she could do that anywhere and therefore she was leaving the monastery. The Zen master replied, “That is Zen.”
Bible
• In his absence, the Irish Republican Army once sentenced Irish playwright Brendan Behan to death. Mr. Behan sent the IRA “a polite note, saying that they could shoot me in my absence, also.” And in a court of law, a man denied three times that he knew Irish playwright Brendan Behan. From the back of the court, a supporter of Behan’s crowed, “Cock-a-doodle-doo.”
• William Schwenck Gilbert, co-author of The Pirates of Penzance, occasionally criticized the Church. Once he found himself the only layman in a room filled with parsons and remarked, “I feel like a lion in a den of Daniels.”
• For decades, Abel Green edited Variety, the bible of show business. Its readership was wide and varied; for example, when Mr. Green met Francis Cardinal Spellman, the Cardinal said, “Mr. Green, I read your bible, too.”
Books
• In the late 1800s, many rabbis and Jewish families regarded the reading of many books not religious in nature—for example, novels—as dangerous. Joseph Salz, who lived in Palestine, was one person who believed this, but his wife, Hannah, did not. Joseph once caught Hannah reading a novel, so he forbade her to read it. She obeyed him for a while, then she started to read novels again. The next time Joseph caught her reading a novel, he burned it. However, in the long run, Hannah won—she helped her daughters acquire a good education at a time when educated women were rare.
• Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter Meyer Berger was Jewish, but he wrote well and positively about Catholic missionaries in his book Men of Maryknoll, which was co-written with the Reverend James Keller. Pope Pius XII once gave him an audience in which he thanked him for writing the book and then blessed him. Mr. Berger was flustered and replied, “God bless you, too, sir.”
• Comedian Bob Newhart is in many ways a modest man. When he heard that Jeff Sorensen was writing a biography of him, Mr. Newhart asked, “Why would anybody want to do a book about me? It would have to be about eight pages long.” (Actually, the biography turned out to be about 180 pages long.)
Celebrities
• Lou Costello told Jackie Gleason that he knew a man who could tell what card you were holding even though he was miles away and talking to you on the telephone. Jackie then picked the Jack of Diamonds and showed it to Lou, who made a telephone call, saying, “Hello, is the Wizard there? … Would you put him on, please? … Jackie Gleason would like to speak to you.” Jackie then spoke to the Wizard, who told him, “You are holding the Jack of Diamonds.” Of course, there was a logical explanation. Lou was calling his partner, Bud Abbott. When Lou asked for the Wizard, Bud immediately recited, “Spade … heart … diamonds …”—when the right suit was named, Lou asked that the Wizard be put on the line. Bud would then recite “Ace … King … Queen … Jack …”—when the right denomination was reached, Lou said that Jackie wanted to speak to the Wizard.
• Much of W.C. Fields’ comic character was formed during his hard times as a youngster. He was beaten up by bullies so often that his nose grew enormously because of scar tissue. (Yes, Mr. Fields did drink, but the big nose came about because of the fights.) He acquired his raspy voice because of all the colds he got through exposure. His favorite way of warming up after a cold night was to lean with his back against a high board fence; as the sun warmed the boards, the boards warmed him. Also, the “fraudulent grandiosity” (Robert Lewis Taylor’s apt phrase) that was so much a part of Mr. Fields’ on-screen character came about because of the respect he received from other youngsters because he was living on his own and because of his many arrests.
• Perry Como really was an easy-going celebrity. Once, in the first Paar show of the fall season, comedy writer Goodman Ace came up with this joke for him: “I was trapped in my house all summer with my kids playing the jukebox, records, and all that. It was the summer of my discotheque!” However, Mr. Como wasn’t sure that the joke was all that funny, so it was given to the show’s announcer, Frank Gallop. During rehearsal, the joke got a big laugh, and Mr. Como said, “If I had known it would get that big of a laugh, I wouldn’t have given it to Frank.” When Mr. Goodman suggested that he take the line back, since he was the star of the show, Mr. Como was shocked: “Oh no. You can’t do that.”
• One of the early “dumb” blonde actresses was Marie Wilson. One day, Marie was sitting in a nightclub, when the nightclub comics—all of whom were adlibbers known for making fun of anyone who came near them—came to her table and asked her to say a few words. Her date shook his head at her, warning her not to say anything because the comics would cut her to pieces, but Ms. Wilson simply said these words into the comics’ microphone: “Don’t drink your bathwater.” This caused the nightclub comics to laugh so hard that they were incapable of saying anything.
• Entrances matter in Hollywood. Actress Maria Montez would wear an Arabian Nights costume, then walk into the Sun Room, where important movie executives ate at the Universal Pictures commissary. If no important executives were in the Sun Room when she made her entrance, she would wait in the ladies room until some important executives entered the Sun Room, then make her entrance again. Lou Costello also knew how to make an entrance; he once entered the Sun Room accompanied by a three-piece band.
• Groucho Marx made fun of many kinds of pomposity. Once, he attended a séance run by the mysterious Narobi, who claimed to be able to get in touch with spirits such as that of George Washington. Once Narobi entered the spiritual world, she would allow members of the audience to ask questions of the dead. Think of it! What would you ask Homer, or Lincoln, or Napoleon? Groucho’s hand shot up, and he was allowed to ask his question: “Narobi, what’s the capital of North Dakota?”
• Danny Thomas was Semitic, being of Lebanese origin. A Catholic, he frequently ate as a guest at the Hillcrest Country Club, whose membership was restricted—to Jews only. After the club began to admit Gentiles as members, he applied for admission but was turned down. When Mr. Thomas asked why, the management explained, “We decided that if we were going to admit Gentiles they should look like Gentiles.”
• Humor writer Cathy Crimmins was different even in high school. Besides being very tall, she wore evening gowns to pep rallies, she listened to albums such as Bobby Short Sings Cole Porter, and her three best friends were a gay man, a black man, and a Jewish man. In addition, her parents were different. For example, when someone died, her father would say, “He won’t do that again!”
• In 1997, Phyllis Diller, who is famous in part for her jokes about plastic surgery, celebrated her 80th birthday. She told her guests, “More men have worked on my face than on the Egyptian pyramids.” To back up her statement, she gave each guest a list of the plastic surgery procedures she had undergone—the list included 18 improvements to her face and figure.
• The Countess Anna de Noailles (1876-1933) possessed an ego that may have been a little too healthy. During a discussion about whether God exists, she said, “It’s as simple as this: If God were to exist, I should be the first to be informed.”
Charity
• Dick Gregory grew up poor, and he was acquainted with well-intended charity that could have been handled better. At Christmas one year, a charity worker knocked on his family’s door and offered him a free turkey, but he shut the door in her face—the utilities had been turned off because there was no money to pay the bills, and so there was no way to cook the turkey. Another time, he and several other children in the neighborhood received the gift of a warm jacket. However, Dick threw his jacket away because all the jackets were the same color and style, so other people could glance at his jacket and know immediately that he was a recipient of charity. As an adult, Mr. Gregory became a comedian and made people laugh.
• In 1948, Jean Carroll did a benefit for the United Jewish Appeal. Her greatest applause came when she said, “I’ve always been proud of the Jews, but never so proud as tonight because tonight I wish I had my old nose back.”
• James M. Barrie, the author of Peter Pan, was very generous in giving to charity. He often gave away copies of his original writings to charities so that they could be auctioned off to raise money.
Children
• Emperor Fo-siu respected the Buddhist priest Si-tien and told him that he could have any treasure—including gold, silver, jewels, priceless works of art—he wanted, provided that he could carry it away in one trip. He then gave Si-tien the key to the royal treasure rooms. However, Emperor Fo-siu was surprised to see Si-tien return very quickly, leading a small girl by the hand. Emperor Fo-siu told Si-tien, “I wanted to give you something valuable, not a dirty orphan. Why did you choose her?” Si-tien replied, “In choosing the child, I chose many rewards—smiles, laughter, affection, small hands and feet, ribbons thrown about in disarray, and the love of a small child for a caring parent.”
• Diwali, the Hindu Festival of Lights, is celebrated with good fellowship, good food, and lots of lights. Hindus turn on every light in the house, leave tiny clay lamps called dipa (DEE-pa) burning outside, and often string white electric lights around the outside of houses and turn them on. In addition, children often play “Pin the Flame on the Dipa.” This is similar to “Pin the Tail on the Donkey,” but the blindfolded children try to pin the picture of a flame onto a lamp.
• Eddie Cantor was a fabulously successful comedian in the first half of the 20th century. His children were autograph collectors, and so one day he offered to sign his name in their autograph books—but they wailed, “No, no, please, Daddy. These are for celebrities only.”
Christmas
• Many parents have difficulty sleeping in on Christmas—not because they don’t want to, but because their children are so eager to open presents. Olympic gymnast Shannon Miller’s mother, Claudia, found a way to sleep in a little longer. She used to hide one present for each child, then write a poem giving a clue to where the presents were hidden. Only after the children had found the hidden gifts were they allowed to awaken their parents. (It’s a great idea, but Claudia says it resulted in only six or seven extra minutes of sleep, as her children were wonderful at figuring out the hiding place of the presents.)
• When Gary Paulsen, author of Hatchet, was only four years old, he visited a very ill young cousin named Raleigh. Raleigh’s parents knew that their child would die soon, so they made Christmas special that year. On Christmas Eve, Santa Claus pulled up to Raleigh’s house in a sleigh driven by four reindeer. Young Gary touched one of the reindeer to see if it was real. It was. He also pulled Santa’s beard to see if it was real. It was. You can read more about this special, true event in Mr. Paulsen’s book A Christmas Sonata.
• One December 22, opera singer Leo Slezak received a large potted palm as a Christmas gift. Meeting the hired deliverer at the door, he immediately wrote a new card and had the plant sent to his lawyer, rejoicing that that was one gift he wouldn’t have to buy. However, late on Christmas Eve the potted palm was once again delivered to his house. In the past two days, the potted palm had passed through seven different owners—each one writing a new card and sending the plant on to another person.
• Before the days of air conditioning, many residents of New York City used to leave the metropolis in the summer and move to a cooler, more rural location. For that reason, humorous writer Oliver Herford used to keep his Christmas cards until July, then open them. He explained, “When other people’s friends have gone away for the summer and neglect them, it certainly is gratifying and exciting to be cheerily greeted by everyone you know.”
• Conductor Arturo Toscanini and composer Giacomo Puccini were friends, although sometimes they feuded. During one feud, Puccini forgot to take Toscanini’s name off his Christmas list, so Toscanini received a loaf of the bread known as panettone. When Puccini discovered the oversight, he wired Toscanini: “Panettone sent by mistake. Puccini.” In reply, he received this telegram: “Panettone eaten by mistake. Toscanini.”
• Musician’s Bill Worland’s father was a British soldier during World War I, and he told about celebrating Christmas as a soldier during wartime. Ceasefire was called on Christmas, and enemy soldiers visited the other side’s trenches, ate together, and displayed photographs of family. At midnight, the ceasefire ended, and the soldiers settled down again to the business of killing each other.
• On December 16, 1965, astronauts Walter M. Schirra and Tom Stafford, after having rendezvoused with another space vehicle, called NASA to report a UFO. This UFO was strangely familiar, with eight power plants and a command module bearing a red-suited astronaut. After reporting the UFO, Mr. Schirra and Mr. Stafford played “Jingle Bells.”
• Figure skating competitively can be expensive, as skates, time to practice on the ice, and coaches all cost money. When Michelle Kwan was young, her family couldn’t afford to buy a Christmas tree one winter, so she entered a contest at school and won one.
• At a Montreal-New York hockey game, sportscaster Frank Selky, Jr., interviewed a young boy and asked whether he had had a nice Christmas. The boy said, “No.” When Mr. Selky asked why not, he replied, “I’m Jewish.”
• One of figure skater Tara Lipinski’s favorite foods is milkshakes, and so one year her parents got her a blender for Christmas. In 1998, Ms. Lipinski won an Olympic gold medal in women’s figure skating.
• Jewish comedian Milton Berle once gave the president of one of his fan clubs a special Christmas gift. She was shy because she had a large nose, so Mr. Berle got her a nose job.
Church
• Luigi (his name at birth was Eugene Louis Faccuito), a dancer who developed the Luigi technique that helped his own rehabilitation after a crippling automobile accident, went home for a wedding. His mother told him that he must go to Holy Communion. Luigi protested, “I can’t. I didn’t go to confession, and now it’s too late. It’s almost midnight.” His mother then insisted that he go to confession before the ceremony, but Luigi again protested, “If I go to confession before the ceremony, there will be no ceremony. I haven’t been to confession in 25 years.” His mother replied, “All you have to say is, ‘Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I am in show business.’”
• In Southampton, England, one of the shortest sermons in history was given at St. Andrew’s Dune Church. The week had been extremely hot, and the entire sermon consisted of these words by guest minister Reverend William Henry Wagner: “If you think it’s hot here, just wait.” Reverend Linda Poindexter at Christ Episcopal Church in Rockville, Maryland, gave another short sermon. It was a hot day, and the air conditioning wasn’t working. Reverend Poindexter’s entire sermon consisted of these words: “Hot, isn’t it? Hell’s like that. Don’t go there! Amen.”
• While in seminary, TV’s Mister Rogers visited a church where he heard a sermon that he thought was terrible and violated everything that he had learned about writing and delivering sermons. However, the woman sitting next to him had tears running down her face, and she whispered, “He said exactly what I needed to hear.” That day, Mister Rogers learned that “the space between a person doing his or her best to deliver a message of good news and the needy listener is holy ground.”
• In 1979, Russell Johnson, who played the Professor on Gilligan’s Island, and his wife visited Westminster Abbey. Although he is normally very open to meeting fans, he disliked being mobbed in this particular place and told them, “Please, please, not in Westminster Abbey. This is a church.” Once he was outside Westminster Abbey, he was again willing to pose for photographs and sign autographs.