THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE IN SPORTS: 250 ANECDOTES
By David Bruce
SMASHWORDS EDITION
Copyright 2010 by Bruce D. Bruce
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Cover Photograph
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Dedicated with love to Carla.
•••
The Funniest People in Sports
Chapter 1: From Activism to Education
Activism
• In 1966, women were not allowed to run in the Boston Marathon. Fortunately, an “uppity” woman did not let that stop her. Roberta Gibb (Bingay) (a rather apt last name) traveled to Boston by bus from California to compete. Of course, she was not allowed to stand at the starting line, so she hid in some bushes near the starting line, and when the male runners raced by, she joined them. At first, she wore a hooded sweatshirt to help disguise her gender, but soon she got too warm and took off the sweatshirt. Ms. Bingay ran the marathon in three hours and twenty-one minutes, finishing 124th in a race in which 415 men competed. Ms. Bingay’s running the Boston Marathon had positive results. The following year, another woman ran the marathon unofficially, and in 1972, women were finally allowed to compete officially in the Boston Marathon.
• Tennis star Billie Jean King led a boycott of the United States Lawn Tennis Association by women tennis players. The boycott occurred for a very good reason: the inequality of prize money won by male and by female tennis players. For example, in the 1970 Pacific Southwest Championships, the male champion won $12,500, while the female champion won only $1,500! The boycott worked. Billie Jean King and the other women tennis players competed in a new tennis tournament sponsored by Virginia Slims cigarettes, and they forced the USLTA to recognize the Virginia Slims Invitational.
• In 1971, an unusual raffle was held—the winner got to send 5,000 dead fish to the polluter of his or her choice. The dead fish came from Escambia Bay, and they died in a giant fish kill caused by pollution. Holding the raffle for the huge bottle of dead fish at the Pensacola (Florida) Interstate Fair was the Bream Fisherman Association.
• In 1973, African-American tennis star Arthur Ashe played in a tournament in South Africa, which then practiced a form of segregation known as apartheid. Before he would play in the tournament, Mr. Ashe demanded that the audiences watching it be integrated.
• While Bo Jackson attended Auburn University, he played both baseball and football. During a baseball game at the University of Alabama, a beer truck was parked just beyond the fence around the outfield. Several people, including the driver, were standing by the truck, drinking beer and yelling insults at Mr. Jackson throughout the early innings of the game. Mr. Jackson stopped the insults by hitting a home run that bounced off the side of the truck.
• At a caddie tournament at the Royal and Ancient Golf Club at St. Andrews in Scotland, first prize was a turkey and second prize was a bottle of whiskey. Andrew “Andra’” Kirkaldy and his brother, Hugh Kirkaldy, were ahead of the pack at the last hole. To win the tournament, Hugh needed a five, but instead he deliberately took seven, saying, “Andra’ can have the turkey—the bottle of whiskey is more in my line!”
Animals
• Canadian figure skater Toller Cranston once lived in a house in a very bad part of Toronto. On the street outside his house, prostitutes freely worked their trade. One day, Mr. Cranston’s pet dog, Minkus, an English setter, turned up missing. Mr. Cranston was frantic, and as he searched the neighborhood, he enlisted the help of every prostitute and every street person he could find. He remembers one Danish prostitute telling a john who tried to buy her wares, “I can’t. I’m looking for a dog,” as she teetered down an alley on stiletto heels. Eventually, the dog, which had been stolen, was found, and Mr. Cranston had a cocktail party for all the prostitutes and street people who had helped him in the search. At the party, all the guests—men and women—were on their best behavior, saying, “Can I pass this?” and “Can I wash that?” Even though the house was filled with works of art—Mr. Cranston is an artist and he was a collector—nothing was stolen.
• In 1971, Bill Pickett became the first African American to be inducted into the National Rodeo Cowboy Hall of Fame, which is located at the Western Heritage Center in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Pickett invented the rodeo event known as bulldogging, in which a cowboy grabs a steer by the horns, twists them, and forces the steer to fall to the ground. Mr. Pickett’s style of bulldogging was different from that used today. He used to grab the steer by the horns, bite into its upper lip, then throw himself to the ground. Invariably, the steer would follow. He came up with this idea by watching dogs handle longhorn cattle, which often hid in brush where a cowboy could not lasso them. The dogs would bite into the steer’s upper lip and hold the steer until the cowboy arrived. Today, biting into a steer’s upper lip is banned as being cruel to the steer.
• Back in the 1970s, a race tracker was envious of jockey Mary Bacon’s car, a Toronado, so he asked her, “You got some man supporting you to be able to afford a car like that?” Ms. Bacon worked hard riding horses to be able to afford that car, so she replied, “Yeah. He’s got four legs and he’s standing in barn 43. Name’s John the Hiker. All you got to do is hit him on the *ss and he runs. You hit a two-legger in the *ss and he just stands there.”
Audiences
• As a competitor, the most extraordinary moment of figure skating Toller Cranston ever saw involved a very ill Bob McAvoy and his pairs partner, Mary Petrie. Mr. McAvoy’s dream was to go to the World Championships, and he had the opportunity to do just that in Ljubljana, Yugoslavia, in 1970. Unfortunately, he became very ill on the plane trip to Yugoslavia and went straight to a hospital as soon as he arrived. Nevertheless, he forced himself to compete on the ice. The first half of the performance went well, but then Mr. McAvoy’s illness caught up with him, making him weak, and he dropped his partner on the ice as he himself fell. The two lay on the ice for a few seconds as their music continued playing, then they got up, bruised and bleeding from their fall. Mr. McAvoy made a gesture to his partner that asked, “Would you like to continue?” Ms. Petrie did, and at this point the audience came alive, cheering them on with such enthusiasm that they skated the performance of a lifetime, followed by an enormous ovation from the crowd. Their scores reflected their fall, but Mr. Cranston says, “It was a moment when skating took a back seat to integrity, sportsmanship, and the belief that nothing is impossible to a willing heart.”
• Believe it or not, changing your hairstyle suddenly can put you at a disadvantage in competitive gymnastics. In Moscow, at the 1958 World Championships, Soviet gymnast Polina Astakhova suddenly decided to change to a more fashionable hairstyle, so instead of pulling her hair back into a bun as she usually did, she wore pigtails decorated with blue ribbons. Unfortunately, because of the change in hairstyles, the audience did not recognize her and so they did not give her the burst of applause that can be so helpful in releasing adrenaline and influencing judges. Of course, as soon as she was able, she went back to her usual hairstyle, and the audience recognized her and gave her the usual ovation.
Autographs
• Ohio State University football coach Woody Hayes once visited the troops in Vietnam to boost their morale. During one stop, he spoke to the troops, then asked if there was anyone from Ohio who was not able to be present because of duty. After finding out that an Ohio soldier was on guard duty in an unsafe zone, Mr. Hayes insisted that a helicopter take him to the soldier, where he attempted to autograph a photograph for the soldier, but discovered that his only pen was out of ink. He told the soldier, “Come see me when you get home and I’ll finish signing the picture.” Three years later, the ex-soldier was attending Ohio State University. When he went to Mr. Hayes’ office, the coach wasn’t there, but the ex-soldier did leave his telephone number. After attending classes, the soldier went home and found Mr. Hayes waiting for him. Mr. Hayes finished signing the photograph, then stayed for a dinner of macaroni and cheese with the ex-soldier and his wife.
• Figure skater Carol Heiss won five gold medals at the World Championships, a silver medal at the 1956 Olympics, and a gold medal at the 1960 Olympics. Oddly, to many people only one of those medals means anything. One day, at the Winterhurst Figure Skating Club in Lakewood, Ohio, a woman came in who didn’t know Ms. Heiss. They started talking, and the woman discovered that Ms. Heiss had won the silver medal at the 1956 Olympics. The woman said, “Oh, that’s too bad … what did you go on to do after that?” Ms. Heiss said that she had continued to compete and had won Olympic gold in 1960. Hearing this, the woman was suddenly impressed and wanted Ms. Heiss’ autograph. Ms. Heiss gave her the autograph, but she also told her, “I’m very proud of my silver medal in 1956. First time I made the Olympic team, and I’m on the podium.”
• As an 11-year-old, gymnast Shannon Miller finished second (behind Wendy Bruce) in the all-around competition in the Alamo Classic. Afterward, the pre-teen Shannon signed autographs for her adoring fans. In fact, when her father, Ron, went up to talk to her, other parents grew angry at him because they thought he was cutting in line.
• In 1992, Dominique Moceanu, then a member of the junior national gymnastics team, had her goal set to compete in the 1996 Olympic Games in Atlanta, Georgia. When asked by fans to sign her autograph, she often wrote, “Dominique Moceanu, Atlanta Olympics, for sure!” She won a team gold medal in Atlanta.
• “Shoeless Joe” Jackson was one of baseball’s greatest hitters in the early 1900s, but he was also nearly illiterate and sometimes signed his name with an “X.” Frequently, fans would mail requests for autographed baseballs to his house, but it was his wife, Katie, who signed his name to the baseballs.
• Gordon Gee, the former president of the Ohio State University, looks like Lou Holtz, the coach of the Notre Dame football team. One day, someone asked Mr. Gee for his autograph, which he willingly gave. The fan looked at the autograph, then asked, “Who are you? I thought you were Lou Holtz.”
Birth
• When Russian ice skater Ekaterina Gordeeva was giving birth in New Jersey to her daughter (Daria), she was in terrific pain. Her doctor offered to give her a shot to make the pain go away, but she had to read and sign a form—written in English, of course—first. Ekaterina’s husband, Sergei Mikhailovich Grinkov, didn’t speak English, and because she was in such great pain, she wasn’t able to read the form (at that point, she wasn’t able to think in English anymore). Still, because she wanted the pain to go away, she signed the form, even though she was afraid that the form would maybe also make her car and her Rolex go away.
• A friend of Quaker humorist Tom Mullen was a sports nut with an expectant wife. He said that he didn’t care whether the baby was a boy or a girl, but many people thought he would prefer a boy because he loved sports so much. When his child—a daughter—was born, the sports nut called up all his friends and said, “You ought to see her hands. They’re great! She’ll be the best girl basketball player in Indiana!”
Children and Teenagers
• Olympic gold medalist figure skater Tara Lipinski started out as a roller skater. She began to ice skate only on a fluke. This is what happened. The mother of a friend of Tara’s wanted Tara to start figure skating because the future of a roller skater—even a champion roller skater—was limited. (Roller skating is not an Olympic event.) However, Tara’s mother resisted the idea because there weren’t any good ice rinks near where they lived and Tara’s taking ice skating lessons would be very inconvenient. But she decided to let Tara go ice skating just once to prove to Tara’s friend’s mother that Tara would be terrible at it. Sure enough, Tara was terrible at first and fell down a lot. Relieved, her parents went out for hot chocolate. But when they returned 45 minutes later, Tara had figured out how to skate and was doing axels and waltz jumps and was skating backwards. The other skaters were amazed at how much she had progressed in just 45 minutes. Instead of being terrible at ice skating, Tara was hooked on it and began taking lessons.
• When Summer Sanders was two years old, her parents installed a swimming pool. Of course, this led to a problem—how could they keep Summer safe? They tried giving her swimming lessons, but it seemed that Summer preferred to cry rather than listen to her teacher, so her parents gave up on the swimming lessons, bought her flotation devices for her arms, and prepared to keep an eye on her whenever she was near the pool. However, Summer surprised them one day by taking off the flotation devices, jumping into the pool, and swimming. She had been paying attention to her teacher after all. The lessons and swimming pool paid off in a big way—Summer became a gold medalist in the butterfly at the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona, Spain.
• Eric Gregg, the third black umpire in the major leagues, got an early lesson in umpiring while working a Little League game early in his career. Billy, a seven-year-old kid playing for a team being battered 21-1, came up to bat and told him, “Mister, you see that guy coaching third base? That’s my dad. I’ve struck out three times today, and if I strike out again, he’s really gonna let me have it.” With a full count on the kid, a pitch was close enough to be called a strike, but Mr. Gregg called it a ball and the kid walked. Later, he started to tell the other umpires about the kid, and they knew immediately who the kid was: “Billy! That kid get you, too? He pulls that sh*t every week! You didn’t give him a free walk, did you?”
• Muhammad Ali, whose name at birth was Cassius Clay, began to box as a result of someone stealing his bicycle. He had gone into an auditorium to attend a bazaar, and when he got out his bike was gone. He complained to police officer Joe Martin and said, “If I find the kid who stole my bike, I’ll whip him!” Mr. Martin, an amateur boxing coach, suggested, “If you plan to whip somebody, maybe you’d better come down [to the gym] and learn how.” The young Cassius took Mr. Martin’s advice. He never did find out who had stolen his bike, but he challenged a neighborhood bully to a fight and busted his nose. After the fight, he and his friends stopped fearing the bully.
• When Lynette Woodard was five years old, one of her cousins, Geese Ausbie, told her about his experiences playing for the Harlem Globetrotters, and so young Lynette wanted to play for the Harlem Globetrotters. She practiced her cousin’s basketball tricks around the house as she grew up, with the result that she broke many things around the house as she grew up. However, the practice paid off. She became a scoring sensation at Kansas University, finishing her collegiate career with 3,649 points. In addition, in 1985, she became the first female Globetrotter, debuting on October 17 in a game played in Brisbane, Australia.
• When American gymnast Dominique Moceanu was only six months old, her parents (who had been gymnasts in Romania before coming to the United States to live) tested her strength by having her grab onto a clothesline and hang on by herself. Of course, her mother was ready to catch her if she let go of the clothesline—but she never did. After witnessing this demonstration of her strength, her parents decided that Dominique could probably be a top gymnast. She proved them right by winning a gold medal at the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta.
• When the Romanian junior women’s gymnastics team flew to New York to participate in the 2000 Pontiac Women’s Gymnastics Team Championships, the flight attendants were happy to have such celebrities on board and took photographs of the team. Later, the flight attendants brought coloring books to the Romanian gymnasts, offending them deeply. The gymnasts, who were tiny 14- and 15-year-olds, said, “Hey, we’re small, but we’re not that young.”
• When Olympic gymnast Shannon Miller was a little girl, she started taking gymnastics. One day, the girls at her school took part in a parade. Little Shannon noticed some of the other girls doing back walkovers, so she decided to do them, too. Unfortunately, this was a skill she hadn’t quite mastered yet, so whenever she wanted to attempt a back walkover, her mother ran out of the audience and spotted her to make sure she wouldn’t land on her head.
• In 1971, when they were kids, gymnasts Bart Conner and Jim Hartung competed against each other. Young Bart was amazed by the size of young Jim’s ears, so he got behind him and took a photograph of the back of his head so he could show Jim’s ears to his friends. Later, the rest of Jim’s body caught up with his ears, the two continued to compete against each other in college, and the two became Olympic gold medal-winning teammates in Los Angeles.
• Even at age 6, Olympic gold medalist Shannon Miller was a master at saving time. She used to wear her leotard underneath her clothing at school to save time dressing for gymnastics practice after school. This trick gave her a few more minutes of precious TV-watching time. (Her parents didn’t know she was doing this until they received her school photographs and saw the sleeves of her leotards poking out underneath the sleeves of her dress.)
• Even before Jennifer Capriati was a teenager, she showed great toughness and determination as a tennis player. During practice, her tennis-training partner hit a hard drive that smacked into her forehead. Young Jennifer lowered her head, raised her hand, wiped her eye, then got right back into the ready position—even though tears were flowing from her eyes. In 1992, Ms. Capriati won an Olympic gold medal in women’s tennis.
• While growing up in West Virginia, Mary Lou Retton learned gymnastics easily. When Mary Lou was six, she tried to teach her sister a trick she had learned at cheerleading camp: a cartwheel without hands, aka a side aerial. Her sister tried it—and broke her arm. At the time, her mother was making snickerdoodles, and Mary Lou’s sister refused to eat snickerdoodles thereafter because she associated them with her broken arm.
• When Maria Butyrskaya was 15 years old, her coach at the Central Army Club in Moscow told her that she had no talent and that she should get out of figure skating. Fortunately, Ms. Butyrskaya didn’t listen to the coach. She continued to train in figure skating, and in 1999, she became the World Champion—in fact, she was the first Russian woman ever to become World Champion in women’s figure skating.
• Even as a toddler, elite gymnast Vanessa Atler loved tumbling classes. Her mother remembers that young Vanessa was so eager to go to class that she used to put on her leotard hours before practice. (By the way, young Vanessa almost became an ice skater, but her mother enrolled her in gymnastics classes because the Atler family couldn’t afford to buy ice skates for her.)
• Greg Maddux played for the Chicago Cubs and the Atlanta Braves, as well as for other teams. As a 12-year-old Little Leaguer, he was so gifted a pitcher that his coach would not allow him to pitch in a championship game, saying that allowing him to pitch would not be fair to the other team! (Greg played, but did not pitch, and his team won the championship.)
• In 1990, when tennis player Jennifer Capriati was 14 years old, she played against Martina Navratilova in the finals of the Family Circle Magazine Cup in Hilton Head Island, South Carolina. Ms. Navratilova won both the tournament and the Mazda Miata sports car that went to the champion, then said, “It’s just as well I won it—since Jennifer can’t drive.”
• When Canadian gymnast Elfi Schlegel was seven years old, she won her first competition. As a reward, she was given a trophy, while the second- and third-place competitors were given medals hanging from ribbons. Ms. Schlegel was so young that she was disappointed that she didn’t win a medal necklace like her friends had.
• Amy Chow, who won gold (team) and silver (uneven bars) at the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta, got into gymnastics by accident. When Amy was three years old, her mother wanted her to take dance lessons, but the dance studio thought she was too young for lessons, so her mother enrolled her in a gymnastics class instead.
• When Evonne Goolagong was a child in Australia, she entered what she thought was a tennis tournament for children in Narrandera. However, when she arrived at the tournament, she discovered that it was for adults. No problem. She played in the tournament anyway—and won!
• Shannon Martin was six years old when she won an age-12-and-under roping contest, for which she was written up in the Roping Sports News. Because she hadn’t learned to read yet, she kept saying to her father, “Come on, Dad. Read it again.”
• As a youngster in an impoverished family, golfer Sam Snead suffered through some bleak Christmases. Sometimes, he found his Christmas presents under a plate—two or three nickels. Other times his Christmas present was a pair of socks. What was his best-ever Christmas present? A sled his father had made for him.
Clothing
• Track and field star Florence Griffith Joyner was known for her outrageous racing clothes and painted fingernails as well as for her wins and world records. For example, at the 1988 Olympic Trials at the Indiana University Track Stadium, she wore a one-legged, green bodysuit and a one-legged, turquoise-and-purple bodysuit. In addition, for one race, she painted her long fingernails mostly orange—at their ends she painted black and white stripes. At the 1988 Olympic Games in Seoul, Korea, she wore a fluorescent blue-and-white outfit as well as an all-lace bodysuit that resembled a negligee. At the 1984 Olympic Games in Los Angeles, she painted nine fingernails red, white, and blue, and one fingernail gold—the color of the medal she hoped to win. Actually, in 1984 she won the silver medal in the 200-meter race, but in 1988 she won the gold.
• At Michelle Kwan’s first United States Nationals ice skating championship tournament, her coach, Frank Carroll, was shocked at the condition of her unshined skating boots. Immediately, he started shouting for boot polish to shine her boots because he was afraid that the skating judges would regard the unshined boots as an insult to them. While the other coaches were laughing, Mr. Carroll shined Michelle’s boots and blew on them to make them dry. When she skated in the competition, her boots were still wet. (Ms. Kwan hadn’t meant any disrespect. At that time, she believed in the superstition that you should not shine your boots while you are performing well.)
• Barbara Underhill and Paul Martini are a sexually charged pairs skating couple. Ms. Underhill is a beautiful woman, and Mr. Martini is a hunk. During one session to work out the pair’s choreography for “When a Man Loves a Woman,” an embarrassed Mr. Martini had to stand still while Ms. Underhill and choreographer Sandra Bezic had fun figuring out—and demonstrating—the best way for Ms. Underhill to grab his butt during the performance. In the finished program, Mr. Martini wore blue jeans, and Ms. Underhill stood in front of him, reached around him, and put her hands in his rear pockets.
• Underneath their colored stockings, professional baseball players wear white sanitary hose. Why? In and before 1905, players wore only the socks bearing the colors of their team. However, in 1905, a player sliding into second base cut Napoleon Lajoie’s foot. The dye from his colored socks seeped into the wound and he came down with a bad case of blood poisoning. He survived and continued to play baseball, but as a precautionary measure players began to wear white sanitary hose.
• While playing at the Jerry Ford Invitational Golf Tournament in Vail, Colorado, baseball great Yogi Berra split his pants. The crowd was amused to see that Mr. Berra was wearing Yogi Bear undershorts.
Coaches
• In figure skating, people fiercely compete to get the best coach. The mother of a young figure skater once telephoned Frank Carroll, who has coached Michelle Kwan, at 2:30 a.m., although he was asleep and had to get up at 4:30 a.m. The skating mother explained, “I thought this was the only time that I could get through to you.” Mr. Carroll responded by living without a telephone for the next three years.
• Michelle Kwan is a United States and World Champion figure skater. From her coach, Frank Carroll, she has learned to keep going after a fall—even during practice. According to Mr. Carroll, a fall can be the most important part of a practice, because it may be the only time you ever practice continuing to a strong finish in your program after recovering from that particular fall.
• A Notre Dame basketball team played badly, trailing 15 points at halftime. Coach George Keogan angrily and methodically ripped each player apart at halftime, going from one to the other in order. Finally, he looked at Marty Peters and asked, “What have you got to say for yourself?” Mr. Peters replied, “Only this, coach—I haven’t gotten into the game yet.”
• Bob Zuppke coached the football Illini for years. In a discussion of football rules, someone described a play and asked whether the officials had made the right call. Before answering, however, Mr. Zuppke asked, “Which team made the foul—Illinois or the other one?”
Comedians
• A baseball player named Thurman Tucker, a White Sox outfielder, looked a lot like the famous comedian Joe E. Brown. One day, Mr. Brown watched a game in which Mr. Tucker went to bat 9 times, but made only one hit. After the game, Mr. Brown went to the White Sox clubhouse, where he told Mr. Tucker, “Look, if you’re going to look like me, hit like me.” Mr. Tucker replied, “I’m afraid that’s just what I’ve been doing.”
• Groucho Marx once captained a charity baseball game between the Comedians and the Actors. He ordered Jack Benny to step up to the plate and hit a home run, but Mr. Benny promptly struck out. This caused Groucho to resign, complaining, “I can’t manage a team that won’t follow instructions.”
• When Jackie Gleason was a struggling nightclub comedian, famous ice skater Sonja Henie walked in during one of his performances. Mr. Gleason handed her an ice cube and said, “Do something.”
Competitiveness
• The longest winning streak ever in college sports—131 straight games in the 1950s—is held by the Flying Queens of Wayland Baptist College in Plainview, Texas. This team, coached by Harley Redin, did a Harlem Globetrotter-type warmup before games, and they were so famous that the school bought them a private plane so they could perform exhibitions across the country. In 1958, the Flying Queens played Nashville Business College in the AAU championship game, and Nashville Business College won, despite a valiant come-from-behind effort by the Flying Queens. With 15 seconds left on the clock, the game definitely lost, and many players on the team crying because their 131-game winning streak was over, Coach Redin called time out. He told his players—tears streaming from their eyes—in the huddle, “I called time out so I could tell you this. I want you to go back out there and lose. And I want you to lose with the same kind of class that you’ve won with for the past five years.” This is the moment the players on the team most remember—and remember as thrilling.
• In 1996, the United States “Magnificent Seven” women’s gymnastics team won the gold medal at the Olympics Games held in Atlanta. The team had a big lead heading into their final event, the vault, but Dominique Moceanu sat down on both of her vaults and Kerry Strug injured herself on her first vault, which scored poorly. Although the U.S. had already clinched the gold medal, no one knew that for sure, so Ms. Strug had to decide whether to attempt another vault despite being injured. She went for it, completed a high-scoring vault, then collapsed in pain. Later, when the decision to attempt the vault was criticized, she said, “I’m 18 years old—it was my decision.” Her coach, Bela Karolyi, was impressed by her courage, saying, “I had not seen this previously in her.”